How do I really feel?

Bryan - Los Angeles, California
Entered on June 9, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I believe that I know what kind of person I am, and what purpose I have in life. For a time, when I was little, I did not know who I was. Not to say I did not know who I “was”, I knew my name and where I lived and who my parents were and all those things. What I am talking about is who I am personality wise, my emotional side. I was different from other kids my age I never talked when I was younger and never played with anyone, I was scared because I thought he other kids would notice my problem.

I quickly learned how to hide my depressed self by faking emotions. Happy, angry, scared, these were all things I learned to do by watching my family. They never noticed anything out of the ordinary about me, actually, I can’t really say that because they could have suspected. I went through the rest of my elementary years pretending that I was happy. Things quickly changed the minute I graduated from elementary to go to middle school, real life hit me point blank in the face.

It was during my time in middle school that my true feelings came out. I was being bullied a lot and I couldn’t take it as I slowly went deeper and deeper into depression. One day I got home from school, my mom was there because she did not have to go to work that day. I had been feeling badly for the past year to think awful, horrible things like suicide and murder. As I walked in the door my mom said “hi” as usual, as she was watching sports as usual, happy as can be, I started to cry; hard.

That was the only time I felt free. I cried a lot in front of my mom, mostly when I had cuts or I fell and she would cuddle me to make it feel better. But this was different, instead of the mother bear holding her cub, she was the angel of light and I was the dark empty soul. I told my mother everything about the real me and the problems I was having recently. She said that she loved me and that whatever problems I go through and how I felt, she would always love me.

I believe that in revealing my pain it soothed it, it made me into the person I am today. I believe that any problem can be solved by talking to the ones you love. I learned, the hard way, but now that I know I want to share it with a younger generation of kids and let them see that they have people that they can count on. I might not make a huge difference, actually no, I know I wont make a huge difference, but a budge is still movement, isn’t it?