Different Can Be Lonely

Olivia - Burnsville, North Carolina
Entered on June 3, 2008

I have very few friends, and it’s hard for me to make friends. I know that I can be rather annoying, but mostly that’s because I don’t know how to act around people. I’m awkward, and I never know what to talk about with other people. I’ll go to a party and I’ll stand around because I have trouble starting a conversation with someone. I do not understand people, and they do not understand me. I don’t know what most people like; I just know what I like. And what I like is usually something nobody else cares about. I like anime, comic books, and RPG video games, but nobody wants to hear me rant about how Captain America is the greatest of all superheroes.

My mother has always said, “Olivia will be herself even if it kills her.” I have always believed that to be true, but what is me? My emotions aren’t worn on my sleeves, and I have been known to have an awesome poker face. I’ve never let someone get close enough to me to know me, with the exception of my mother. I’ll sit around with a group of friends, and realize that I’m not the same as them. Who really is, though?

I enjoy being alone, and some people have no real concept of what alone is. Alone is when you are completely by yourself, to do whatever. I’ve come to realize that when I say “alone,” people interpret it as, “I want to get away from you.” That’s usually not what I mean. I think the best when I am alone, and I guess it’s my time to reflect.

It seems to be a recurring thing with me that people misinterpret what I’m saying. I’ll say something like, “That’s horrible,” with a blank face and a flat voice, and someone will think I’m making fun of them. It’s not on purpose, I just don’t understand people. I usually seem pretty cold about everything, so sometimes the way in which I use sarcasm is misconstrued as being mean. I don’t have a voice I use for sarcasm.

There are a lot of things that I enjoy that most “normal” people enjoy. I like going to the beach, playing a sport, watching Grey’s Anatomy, and many other things, but it seems people would rather focus on the differences rather than the similarities. Why’s it the differences that matter?

I find myself alone a lot, not because I want to be, but because my friends had something better to do. I love my friends, but then again I only have a couple. This seems selfish, but the only friends I have are the people who approached me first. And some after awhile get tired of me because I can be blunt, loud, and obnoxious. I end up pushing people away unintentionally.

I’ve come to realize different can be lonely, but that alone does not always mean lonely. In order to be comfortable being alone you have to be happy with who you are. Alone can be something good.