I believe in emptiness. An insufferable feeling that plagues the life of so many. Despite life’s sparse treats and handouts, it is all too easy to fall in this pit of futility. Life has hit these people hard, as it does to nearly all those who tread through it. I believe more, however in becoming strong and rising above life’s curveballs.
This past year my life has been flipped, jostled, and dispersed throughout experiences. It began with the appearance of a woman, jostled, herself, by the encounters of life; death, abuse, dishonesty, the works. We quickly became attached and I fear I disrespected her emotions. I was naïve and inexperienced, after all I had not seen the emptiness she faced every day, the emptiness that was soon to hit me.
On January 19, 2008 my father suffered a stroke. My father was currently in Oregon after a heart surgery. My mother, who left her job months before, was unable to fly me there. I remember the feeling. It seemed fake and unreal. The inability for me to hold his hand, hug him, or even see him ate at my core. I could not understand what I felt; I see it now as emptiness. I did not cry, I did not yell, I bottled myself up and locked myself out. The woman of previous reference was the recipient of the feelings. My anger, my disappointment, my sadness drained upon her. Previously faced with her other problems, she was cut down, and, for this, our relationship tore a bit.
On March 15, 2008 my grandfather passed away. When I heard the news it hit the same empty string. The process repeated and I tore the woman yet again. This time, for the last tear. I saw the unhappiness, the pain I caused, the frown of a woman I thoroughly had cut down and it became too much. I proceeded to break up with her, using silly reasons that affected me not a bit, I am still at a question so as to whether this was a good decision, but what I know now is she is happy.
I look back and see this as an example for one reason, that by viewing life as an empty spiral, I hurt not only myself but also those around me. An innocent girl was broken because of my weakness and my emptiness.
I still miss her, and still regret my decision in that respect. What I do not regret is the ability to be strong and allow HER to be happy. By being strong and looking at the “emptiness” as lifetime experiences and opportunities to be strong, I am able to find happiness, and, more important, allow those who truly care about me to see happiness as well. For this, I believe one may and must be strong and rise above everyday experiences, not for oneself, but for those most dear.