I am Numb

Derek - Willow Street, Pennsylvania
Entered on May 29, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30

I believe I’m numb to life.

Recently, one of my close friends died after a long battle with cancer. At his funeral I was surrounded by the people I am nearest to, people that I spend every day with, in the most distraught states I’ve ever seen. As pictures of my friend’s life rolled by on the screen above us, those around me broke down in tears; they openly cried for the loss of his young life. Even the toughest of guys cried without shame. I looked around and witnessed this mourning, I saw the gut-wrenching tears of my friend’s mother in the front row, but could not cry. I felt sadness and guilt for not celebrating his life which I knew would end, but not a single tear came to my eye.

I’m not sure whether the news, the movies I’ve seen or my own philosophy on death keeps me from expressing my sadness through tears, but I do know that even when I feel the time is right for me to cry, I am unable. I believe that I need emotion in my life, but I feel that I may have shut myself off emotionally.

As a man, I feel as if I need to be a strong and reserved kind of person. Outside emotion makes me feel weak and although I know this is a misconception, something inside me refuses t let my emotions show. I feel uneasy that this inability to express my emotions could lead to greater complications, such as an inability to love.

I’ve seen the way people act when they claim they’re in love and I don’t know if I can act towards another person in this manner. It is possible that I haven’t experienced feelings strong enough to prompt such emotional actions, but something inside me is unsure if I could ever feel this strongly about someone else.

The funny thing is, is that I am more deeply touched by sappy sports triumph movies and sad or epic songs than I am by actual occurrences in the reality of my life. I think this is possibly because I’m able to relate to an experience that someone else is having and apply my emotions to how I imagine that moment would feel, but when I find myself in a truly emotion moment of my life, I shut down.

Now that I am aware of this problem in my life, I hope to change my ways. No matter what the cause of my lack of emotion;

I believe I’m numb to life.