In This Fear, I Believe

Meighan - New Kensington, Pennsylvania
Entered on May 29, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: fear

I believe in fear. Not the fear that you feel during a scary movie, or when someone hides around the corner and jumps out just as you round the bend. I’m talking about real, legitimate, fear; the kind that makes your heart pound in your throat. The fear that allows for you to know that something terrible is happening, even before it’s officially terrible. In this fear, I believe.

Sometimes dreams, the beautiful and colorful ones, can quickly turn into a dark nightmare. You would think that not waking up from this nightmare would be one’s biggest fear, but think again. What if the last time you ever saw a person you truly loved was in this nightmare? What if you knew that the minute you stirred you would only be able to imagine that face for the rest of your life? I no longer fear my nightmares, but what comes after I wake from them. They hold some truth that is unbelievably and horrifically life changing. I don’t dream of my grandfather anymore, but I did have a horrible nightmare on the morning of his death. That was the last time I ever saw his face, heard his voice, felt his touch, and smelled the faint scent of cigar smoke on his shirt. I haven’t seen his face since, and I fear I never will. In this fear, I believe.

While we’re talking about nightmares, I’ve had this reoccurring one for a while now. For some reason everything that could possibly go wrong, does. My hair falls out, my dress rips down the back, my underwear gets tucked into my skirt, and my feet have simply fallen off. I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m having this nightmare until this very moment. I fear the future. It holds so many opportunities and it’s so unpredictable. I fear the future! We can lead ourselves down certain paths, but there are no guarantees, and we have so little control over what lies ahead. I fear what I cannot control. It occupies my mind through the night, and exhausts me during the day. In this fear, I believe.

It will not defeat me. I will find a pot of gold at the end of a colorful rainbow, no matter what it takes. We all believe in something. We all fear something. The question is: do we believe in fear? I can honestly say that fear has crept into my veins and shot straight to my heart. I will fight it, I will overcome it. I do not believe fear can conquer me or anyone else, but I do believe in fear. It is within every word, every motion, and every day. This I believe.