Chaos and Control

Rebecca - Ambler, Pennsylvania
Entered on May 27, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30

I believe in cleaning my room… periodically. I don’t mean once every couple of days, once a week, or once a month even. It is strictly on a whim when at last I deem it necessary to bulldoze under weeks and weeks worth of dirty clothes, mismatching shoes and what ever else that could be buried (or living) in this display of absolute chaos.

As you may have already concluded, I am a complete mess. It is obvious when observing the state of my room, car, or even my locker I am never neat, tidy or organized and nothing is ever in it’s proper place. However, I know no other way. I have gone to painstaking terms to organize myself but whatever method I come up with to maintain a state of order, I quickly lapse right back into my old ways. I can’t say I enjoy living like this. Its stressful and inconvenient, things are always missing and never easy to find, however its part of who I am and at last I have come to terms with it.

The messy state in which I live is directly related to my state of mind. I am always busy rushing in and out of my house, trying to accomplish the daunting task of homework, and finding time to socialize. My mind is filled with random thoughts bouncing around distracting me from accomplishing one thing at a time, instead I will start one task and almost instantaneously switch to another. This annoying habit of mine presents the problem of cleaning my room. I begin and almost immediately become distracted by another aspect of this pandemonium.

It is on a rare occasion, usually a Saturday morning, I feel a pulsating almost obsessive urge to do the unheard of; clean. I begin slowly, chipping away at the mountain of mess before me. Tediously, I sweep, dust, and mop every single corner including places out of plain sight until at last I feel immense satisfaction in my accomplishment. I flop down on my freshly fluffed feather pillows and bask in this complete mental and physical clarity of everything before me. At this brief moment I feel as though I have conquered all of the chaos and unsettling things not only in my room but in my life as well. This instance of control allows me to relax, reflect, and renew myself. I savor every moment of this stillness and peace… until the mess begins to creep back.