Learning to Love
I believe in loving, despite what is given in return.
In my 18 years, there has been a ridiculous amount of people that have come into my life and left. Most of which have become very important to me, and I loved them. (This was because I had a severe attachment disorder that I have since gotten over.) However, as soon as I got comfortable with them, and they would leave.
There was a while where I didn’t trust anyone, because I felt they were going to leave anyway. I knew I was protecting myself, somehow. I was probably right. I wouldn’t let myself love or trust, and I became one of the loneliest people I knew. An example of this would be… My dad and his now ex-wife married in 1996. She immediately became my best friend, and my ultimate mother figure. She listened to me go on and on for hours, about the most pointless things. She was the most important thing in my life, like most mothers are. Unfortunately, she didn’t know who my dad really was. She didn’t know what he was capable of. Three years into their marriage, she left him…and me. I remember standing on the porch watching her leave. She didn’t even say goodbye to me, and it made me feel terrible because I truly loved her.
It took a long time to accept that people come and go, and some of them don’t love or care for you as much as you do them. This knowledge hit me hard. It was devastating. I guess it made me bitter that I was willing to love and comfort when there was no one willing to do the same for me, especially when I truly needed it. I felt unlovable, like my problems were insignificant to the people around me.
Finally, I accepted that I wasn’t as needy as I thought, and I don’t always need someone right there all the time because I was stronger than that. I learned to care for the people who are in my life right now, no matter what; to enjoy them while they’re there, even if I know that they’re not there to stay. I learned that I could love, even though I wasn’t as important to them as they were to me. Not loving made me unhappier. I’m tired of being unhappy.
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