Trust Issues

Tiffany - Muskegon, Michigan
Entered on May 16, 2008

I believe that no matter how much you want to trust someone you really can’t. I have tried to trust friends and family with the secrets I have, but everyone else seems to find out somehow. I used to trust people but not anymore, not after I told a counselor at summer camp what happened at my dad’s house. Since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone.

When I was ten years old, my cousin used to do things to me and I finally got sick of it, so I told a counselor at a summer camp I was attending. I didn’t expect her to go and tell the camp director, but she did. The camp director contacted the child services people and they contacted my mom. They asked for the phone number to my mom’s work, so I gave it to them. After I hung up the phone, a couple of questions started running through my head. Was she going to be mad? Am I going to be in trouble? Why didn’t I just tell her earlier? All these questions were running through my head. I was right. My mom was extremely mad that they called her at work. When she came home she was red in the face and she started yelling at me. She asked why the child services just called her. I told her about my cousin and what he had been doing to me. She started crying. I hate to see my mom cry, and that is why I didn’t tell her earlier.

I haven’t been able to trust anyone with my secrets since then. I am too afraid to tell my mom. I won’t tell my sister or any other family member because they will tell her. I don’t tell my friends because the last time I tried, my secret went around the school. I downright refuse to go to counselors for obvious reasons. If I can’t trust a counselor, how am I going to trust everyone else? I don’t want to talk to people who only make me feel worse. I don’t want to talk to people who will judge me. I don’t want to go through any of that again.

I want to be able to talk to my family. I want to be able to tell my friends everything. I want to think that I can trust counselors again. I just cannot bring myself to trust these people who have hurt me while trying to help me.

I try to trust my friends, but every time I tell just one of them they all find out. That makes me not want to tell anyone anything. All I can say is that I have tried and I am let down by them every time. I haven’t been able to open up and let people in. Let them see the real me. I still have a trust issue, and I think that I always will. I don’t think that I can ever trust anyone the way I used to no matter how much I want to.