Leaning on Myself

Brittany - Spring Lake, Michigan
Entered on May 14, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I believe the only person I can truly depend on is myself.

My mother has told me this ever since I can remember. I guess I could say I was the glue while her lessons were the paper. I only say this because this is one of the many beliefs I have accumulated and has “stuck’ throughout the years. My father is the prime reason and example of why I believe in this lesson so much. I cannot say I do not depend on him. I just have been let down so many times because of the actions he uses.

Ever since he came into my life at the mere age of two, he has always been there for me and supported me in the only way a non-custodial parent could. Despite his efforts I found his presence and support were not all I needed. I needed more form him considering I did not get to see him that often due to the living arrangements made. T seemed like there was something missing, like the piece of him that should be there was cut out like a missing puzzle piece.

Throughout my life, there has been a battle of tension between my parents. “Who gets her on this holiday?” “It’s not your weekend to have her.” Back and forth I would go from one house to the other. When I was little the weekend visits with my dad were the highlight of my life. We lived with my grandma; she made sure I always had new toys and the newest shade of nail polish. Now that I have grown into myself, the visits are not so fun. I actually dread the thought of going over to my dad’s house sometimes. I know it is wrong to say this because he is my father. He always says, “It’ll be fun, kid. I promise… We’ll go bowling this time… You’ll have fun.” It never happens despite what he says. We always do the same thing when I visit. Even though we are in the same house , it seems as if our paths seldom cross.

As I’ve grown into young adulthood, we have grown farther and farther apart. Maybe it is the disappointment of it all or the unreturned phone calls that seem just as natural as the sun setting. Maybe it is the drinking that starts as soon as the clock says five or Ultima online, the online role playing game everyone plays. It may also be the many school plays and concerts he said he would attend but never came.

I am not trying to make my father look like a bad person. He is just the person I depend on the least. We go to hockey games, go to family gatherings, and get ice cream on occasion, but it just doesn’t fill the space. He is always up for giving me money when I need it or just because. He is always there and does what he can, but it’s just while we are together it felt like we are so far apart. I need to be able to depend on him to be there when I need him to be or when he says he will. Sadly, I have come to the conclusion I cannot sit and wait for him to show up. I believe I need to become independent form him and begin to depend on myself.