I am writing this to define myself, as an act of self-creation.
I have recently been shattered by my wife having a not so casual affair after twenty five years of Marriage, razing a family, and what I thought was an exquisite bond of closeness, alert to adapting, changing while aging, vigilant with out shutting off insightful connections, or remaining in a state of stasis.
I am in shock and disbelief. She has been very forthright, although when you have lived with someone so intimately you recognize in subtle ways when all is not right.
Maybe it is just the pitch of her voice when she speaks to her lover. Maybe it’s the passion to text him into her immediate feelings, Maybe its just the loss of affection she once bestowed on me, the furtive looks of avoidance, and the little gestures that leave a void between us as she pulls away.
I am heartbroken, and yet I believe every day of this tortuous experience, I am being given a painful gift, one to examine with my fullest presence of mind and emotion, one that I trust will eventually be transforming from this state of grieving, into a place of adaptation.
This tryst she is having ultimately is not the issue, it’s just the fulcrum that made it evident that the radiance of her love no longer shines on me.
My being is crying out to reframe the problem, to do the best to survive this loss of what has been to now the most wonderful and sustaining feeling that a relationship can engender.
Where was I, that I did not understand the depth of her dissatisfaction? When did the last shreds of goodwill evaporate? What happen “to in sickness and in health”. The more I churn this over in my mind the larger the conundrum becomes.
I believe now that a men and women can only share for rare moments sustained harmony, or closeness of vision, a similar outlook on the world, and a sustaining sexual attraction. Those moments we take for granted when the relationship is forming, But once the taproot takes hold, no more of those shallow surface roots, that a storm of infidelity can blow down.
I believe I am cast adrift in a lifeboat, like” The life of Pi “ only the Tiger restraining me is just the demon of my own creation. As we journey alone through Life, Marriage seems more and more like a bunker of precarious means.
Maybe it is our sustaining hope for the possible, maybe it is that no matter how emotionally intelligent we think ourselves to be, it is impossible to ultimately see things from a perspective other than our own?
But this it what I believe, from once experiencing a loving relationship, I am prepared to go to immense lengths to make it happen again with someone who can reciprocate with a similar emotional wellbeing. This I believe is the power of the human spirit.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.