Beautifully Broken

Rodney - Indianapolis, Indiana
Entered on May 7, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

This all started about when I was fourteen and lasted till I was sixteen. I was attending church regularly. I had a lot of different issues going on in my home and my personal life as well. Every thing that had went wrong in my life I blamed God for it. I had hatred toward God. No one could unlock this feeling. I felt abandoned. The bible even tells you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Then why would I feel like that? I would talk to God but, I’d never heard back. I used to hear from but lately I heard nothing but my heart beating and my breaths. I honestly felt like I would have a better conversation with wallpaper instead of God.

A couple months later during all that turmoil I was in my youth groups worship team. Every single Saturday night I would give my all just to worship Him through the rough times. In just about every aspect of my life I lived it for God, but I just didn’t feel his presence anymore. I literally felt like God didn’t want me. I mean God had spared my life twice and now He doesn’t want me. It had made no sense why this was happening. I just couldn’t shake this feeling.

One night at band practice before a Saturday night service for my youth group we were learning a new song to play. From that song there is a line that sticks with me. The line said “you’ve made us come save us. We are yours but even if you don’t we will burn.” That song comes from a bible story about three men who wouldn’t bow and worship their king. They said they would only worship God. That all of sudden hit me like a ton of bricks. I was thinking that these guys have crazy faith that God was going to save them from burning to death. I soon realized that the reason why I wasn’t hearing from God was because I was bowing and worshiping different “kings” in my life. I felt stupid to be honest. Here I was getting angry toward God because he wouldn’t talk to me. I was doing things that broke his heart. I was causing God to grieve.

This had cause a drastic change in my life. I had decided to cut the outside world off. I had stopped watching rated R movies, stopped listening to the “non-Christian music” and I got rid of the negative influences in my life.

A year later after I had turned seventeen I had learned that even Mother Teresa had this same problem. I mean if Mother Teresa could get over her faith being tested like that then I could too. The thing that had appealed to the most was a quote from her “In my own soul, I feel the terrible pain of this loss. I feel that God does not want me, that God is not God and that he does not really exist.” This came from Mother Teresa’s own mouth that eve she too was torn inside with one of my issues. I believe that she thought when she went to Heaven God stood there and smiled because she remained faithful through ten years of that pain.

This proves those whenever God throws you a curveball in life just choke up on the bat and swing for the fences. Just hope you hit a home run instead of a foul ball. Whenever your beliefs are being tested just buckle in and ride it out. I finally got over this period in my life and never want to go through it again. I know because I stuck with God that when I get to Heaven he will smile because I stuck with it!