I feel that I am at battle with my sexuality. While I understand it as a means of acquiring power, at times I feel conflicted about giving into those desires. Certain sexual events make question my morals and in that case creating work pertaining to sexual events have me questioning my morals. When reading psychoanalytic criticism we also read a piece by Frank Bidart entitled Herbert White. The graphic sexuality of the event made me feel uncomfortable and upset. I was offended by the crudeness of the narrarator’s ejaculation and I immediately projected my idea of “proper” sexual conduct on him. However, like a car crash, I couldn’t look away, and kept on reading. Some part of me was actually enjoying and responding to the grotesque nature of this rape. It felt like I was watching an un-edited episode of Law and Order SVU. I always found this show to be disgusting as well. How could people find enjoyment from watching socially immoral acts? But while reading this poem along with psychoanalytic theory, I made a connection that people might enjoy these works because it allows them to watch people acting on the desired their id wants them to. They are rejecting their superego. While it is easy to watch other people, real or fictional, enact these sexual desires it is another thing to do them ourselves. In a way we might envy the rapist and maybe we live vicariously through these fictional events. My constant discussion of woman and their sexuality could be me giving into the desires of my id. My desire to be sexual for the means of acquiring power could be seen immoral by society. But what I truly want is to portray a through investigation of my womanhood.
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