A Moment in Time
Today I understand what I could not see past over the last five years. In one split second in time I became lost in hurt, anger, betrayal and fear. Married to a wonderful man for 22 years and the mother of 2 beautiful children I believed life existed and thrived inside the box in which was living in. To everyone including myself it seemed perfect. The box was beautifully decorated with the finest things making it look like the fairy tale family setting. I received the fateful phone call on a Sunday morning which changed the entire structural foundation of what was once “my life”, “our life”. My husband was having an affair. I remember hearing those words from the woman on the other end.
I am not sure what happened at that moment in time, or for the next few months because the rug that safely held my feat securely inside the box was jerked out from under my feat and I began falling into a pit of unknown which was filled with sorrow and hopelessness. I began questioning not only my faith in God, but my intelligence and my understanding of the last 22 years. How could something seem so “ok” and be so terribly wrong. I believe you cannot live your life like there are no consequences, because you cannot predict the outcome. Every choice has an outcome. The outcome for infidelity impacts everyone including the person committing the act. There were no winners; everyone looses. I lost my best friend, my husband, my lover and my future as the person I was. My children lost their dad and the constant presence of the man who once tucked them in at night and prayed with them during times of uncertainty. He was no longer there any time two strong arms were needed. My parents lost their son, his parents lost a daughter. Our siblings lost us as a family, and our friends lost our friendship as a couple. And my husband, he lost us, his reputation, trust, and himself. I think he would agree he lost the most.
I would like to say that things worked out in that situation, but they did not. There was no amount of reframing the situation that could change the hurts and mistrust that occurs when infidelity is apart of your life. In the end life had to begin again for all of us.
Through all of the trials, in beginning a new life I have learned that life existed outside the box I once called my home. I am now living outside the box because I have learned it’s a safe place to be, and equally as beautiful if lived well. I learned I have spent too much time living by predetermined rules that I learned from my parents, my spouse and my culture. Living in the box was not necessarily a “bad” thing; however it was full of rules, regulations, and expectancies. Living outside the box is where I found my creativity and potential, and have had the opportunity to grow with my children as we venture into our own understanding of life. I had no idea what I did not know prior to that fateful day and I now and am so thankful I am a better person contributing more to my family and community than ever before.
I believe you cannot predict or control your circumstances; you can only control yourself and your reactions to those circumstances. If you would have followed me all my life, my footsteps would have lead you many places; some I am proud of and some I am not. I believe that life is represented by where you are going rather than where you have been. I do not believe that consequences alone should determine our morality; however the severity of any consequence should guide our moral and ethical decisions. I believe that what ever I place in the forefront of my thoughts becomes my reality. Many times I have let the trials of the past steal the joy from today by letting those thoughts pollute my mind with my faults rather than my successes.
I am a survivor and life for me has begun again as the sunlight brightness a new day. I have learned that life exists outside the box and that one fateful moment in time as brutal as it seems does not control me, I control it. I have learned that life and love exist for me because I deserve them. I deserve them because I love live and appreciate its greatness. There is hope and happiness for those how appreciate life’s greatness. For those who believe there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they have never seen the rainbow. I have seen the rainbow and know that each day brings a new hope filled with the joy of happiness. Do not let the trials of the past steal the joy from your today, life is too short, and tomorrow holds blessings that are immeasurable.
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