I believe in letting myself to feel vulnerable.
In high school, I was always Miss Independent. All my friends had boyfriends but that was never my style. It was never my main priority. It’s not that boys weren’t interested in me it’s just I never felt that I would ever find anyone that would be worth my time. That’s what I told myself but there was a deeper issue at hand.
My mom brought me up to be strong and independent. She told me to never let myself become dependent on someone else. From that upbringing, I was independent but I also never allowed myself to get close to anyone. I felt like I was a zombie. I was emotionless; I mean I felt sadness and happiness but I couldn’t understand what it meant to be loved.
When forming a relationship with a guy it always started off good but the second things started to get more serious I immediately pulled away and put up a wall. I always told myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend but the truth is I just never wanted to allow myself to become vulnerable and weak to someone else.
I came to college as an 18 year old who never had a boyfriend. Pretty unheard of now a days. I wasn’t upset about it, I just never understood why, until I met Josh. Josh is my first and current boyfriend. He came into my life at the end of freshman year. He was very interested in me to the point that he broke up with his current girlfriend of two years and started calling me on a regular basis. A friendship turned into a relationship and just as I was beginning to become close to him like clockwork I put my wall up. But Josh wouldn’t let me walk away from the relationship. I am forever thankful for that though because he opened my eyes to a completely new world.
Despite my best efforts to push Josh out of my life and move on he asked me one night to meet him down at the beach on our college campus. It was freezing that night; I was in sweatpants, a sweatshirt and a fleece jacket. Shivering on the walk down to the shore Josh put his arm around me and held me tight. We put down a blanket, sat down and store out into the dark ocean water. After being silent for what seemed like an hour Josh turned my face towards his and looked at me deep in the eyes. I felt comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. It was the strangest feeling. My heart was telling me to let this happen but my head was telling me to walk away. He kept staring at me and then said, “Stop trying to run away, Erin I know that’s what you’re doing but I wont let you. I know you are scared and so am I but I refuse to let you run away from me.” From that moment I opened my heart for the first time. Josh is the reason why I believe in letting myself feel vulnerable.
How could I ever feel what it was like to be loved if I didn’t allow myself to be close to someone? Allowing myself to be vulnerable opened my eyes to what it feels like to be loved and appreciated. Without vulnerability, love is merely just an emotion you read about in a book its nothing you’d be able to understand.
Before Josh I was seeing everything in black and white. But once I let myself become close to someone and trust someone enough to free myself from my own grip, I saw everything in differently, in vibrant colors.
Living life with the ability to understand complexity of love is indescribable. I’m not saying if I fall out of love with Josh that everything will go back to the way it was because there is no way it ever could. Being able to experience something so extraordinary makes it impossible to ever resort back to a two tone color life.