Tomorrow Is Not a Promise
My father recited all my imperfections to me every day. He said that I was fat, spoiled, and basically a waste of space. I listened to him tell me that every single day for those first few precious years of my life, up until the time I was the age of ten. That’s when my parents divorce was final. Visiting him was hell, so after a few years, I refused to see him. He would still try to act like a loving parent, but I never fell for it. Every cruel word he ever said to me, every action he ever took, and every day I wished I didn’t have to live through this anymore, made me realize that you only live once, and that one person shouldn’t stop you from living the life you were meant to live.
After two years of not seeing him, my mom’s lawyer decided that he was requiring me to have visitation. I refused. I acted like a little girl; crying, and screaming, throwing a huge fit. They told me that my mom would get in trouble if I didn’t go, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I went.
The second time we had visitation, he handed me a letter. We were sitting at McDonalds having dinner, and the usual awkward silence was surrounding us. I tucked the letter into my purse, and as I did that, he told me to get it back out and insisted that I read it. I got it out, and just planned on skimming it, but the first sentence caught my attention. It said, “I don’t care if I ever have to see you anymore after today…” and continued in saying that he didn’t love me and that I was a mistake in his life.
For a man that I am supposed to love, trust, and look up to, write those things and tell me that was one of the hardest things in my life. It was something nobody would have ever expected to happen. Growing up with him telling me of my imperfections was something that I became less and less insulted by, but having him tell me he didn’t love me is something that really affected me. He did however help me in realizing that you shouldn’t think of life as how it might be if you were no longer here, that you really should live your life to your fullest, and that one person should not put such a heavy impact on the way you feel about yourself. It took me a long time to realize this, too long.
The imperfections my father told me of, the lack of self worth I felt, and those years of not wanting to live my life have all faded. They are now replaced with the intelligent, beautiful, and loving person I have grown up to be. Tomorrow is not a promise, it is only a chance. And today, I feel I have lived my life the way it was meant to be.
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