Spare Some Change?

Jordan - Alton, Illinois
Entered on April 30, 2008

I believe that panhandler’s give the best advice. They ask foe change, and seeing as no one is perfect, everyone could use some change. There have been times in my life where I could stay helplessly stubborn or I could change and see it a different way.

There was a point in my life when I would bottle up all my feelings and walk around with a permanent poker face. But when my father passed away I began to cry a lot. I tried dealing with it by ignoring it, that didn’t work. I tried focusing on other things, that didn’t work. I kept my feelings hidden, again, didn’t work. I finally had to come to terms with his death, and I faced it and talked about how I felt. Even after I coped and dealt with my feelings, I was still crying even when I wasn’t thinking about him, or I wasn’t sad. But now as I write this, I am sad but I feel no urge to cry. I never thought I would talk about how I felt with others, but in my changing, I made myself a better person.

Sure when I’m angry, I’ll yell. When I’m happy, I’ll smile. And when I’m sad, I may cry. I used to think things like that made you a wimp or less of a man. But after coming to a point in my life where hiding everything away from the world becomes too much to bear, and having to make the choice of sticking with some view of manhood I never thought of or I can reevaluate my views on feelings. I chose the latter, and now I have a changed view of feelings and I know that it is okay to express them, even if you look like a girly-man.