I believe in forgiveness
I believe in a thing called forgiveness, but I also believe that forgiveness is one of the hardest things that you will ever have to give.
Ever since I was little I’ve always dreamt of having the ideal dad while growing up, someone who would teach me how to throw a softball, be my number one fan in all the sports that I did, and just someone to play around with, and even though I hoped for all these things for the longest time, it seemed that the older I would get, the more these hopes and dreams drifted away.
When I was younger growing up with one brother and one sister, we never really understood why our father wasn’t around. Maybe a phone call every once in awhile, or a visit, but that never stopped me from asking why he wasn’t there. But it wasn’t always like this. For about two months he had the weekend visits, the ones that you get so excited about and then you get the last minute phone call that says he can’t make it. It never really bothered me until I hit Jr. High. If I was ever asked what my father did, I wouldn’t know what to say, because I never had the chance to meet my father.
Now I’m sixteen and a sophomore in high school, and it seems to be the hardest time of all. A couple of months ago, my dad randomly called just completely out of the blue. All the conversation consisted of was, I’m sorry and I’ve missed you, please forgive me. The more we talked on the phone that day, the more I realized that sometimes I’m sorry just isn’t good enough. I couldn’t believe he was actually doing this to me. He called me every Sunday for about three weeks. And after that first phone call, I never had the guts to answer the rest of them.
So now I’m stuck thinking about the future, and where not letting my father in my life puts me. Part of me thinks, why should I let him in now, i’ve been fine so far. Than there is the other part of me that says, give him another chance, what have you got to lose? What I’m scared of losing is my hope. I’m scared of getting my hopes up, and than having them torn down. I’m scared of him walking out of my life, just as fast as he’s trying to walk into it. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m the one that has to make these choices. I wish that forgiveness was just as easy as people make it out to be. But its not. Your always going to have your pros and cons that make your choices harder than needed.
Forgiveness isn’t something you can just pull out of a hat. And I don’t know about most people but forgiveness is not something that comes easily to me. I hope for the day I can find deep down in my heart to find the courage to forgive. I believe that I’ll never forget..but eventually forgive.
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