I originally wrote this essay in hopes to overcome my past regrets; however, during this past week I finally realized that I’m not ready to do that yet. I have held on to them for so long that they have become a part of who I am – a constant, a belief in a happily ever after that I rely on.
I still remember the first time I met “him”. We had an awkward five minute conversation filled with starring and grins on both sides. He never took his eyes off mine and my body flooded with heat. It was all that I wanted and my expectations of the perfect boy vanished. He flaws and all, was perfect.
The first year we were two repelling forces of a magnet. He would raise my hopes for a relationship and then change his mind. I would ignore him, but then return to him every time. however, we had a connection and the days that were normal were amazing. He read to me out of Romeo and Juliet, hovered over my head as he helped me with my homework, and looked at me with those deep blue wyes, in a way I could never explain.
A month before the last day of school his words changed my life. We had just had a fight and I was ignoring him. We were in Math class, waiting for the teacher to hand out test. He turned to me with questioning eyes and said, “I love you.” I was at a loss for words; my throat suddenly became dry and I was immediately aware of my heart in my stomach. The most obvious answer cam to me; he had to be lying. This irrational thought cut me deeply; I realized that the reason it hurt was because I loved him too. When I didn’t reply he said again, “Sam, I love you.” It probably would have been better if I hadn’t replied because I was so sure that he was trying to hurt me that a reply that resembled, “I… you… can’t… say…” stumbled from my mouth. I truly believed he didn’t love me. I was starring at the desk as I heard him turn to take his test. It was never brought up again, but from that day he drew away from me.
The summer went by without speaking, even though our paths often crossed. In fact, it was four months before we talked again. That talk gave me so much hope for another chance, until I learned he was going out wit someone else. All communication was gone. We spent the next year looking past each other; he would even let go of his girlfriend’s hand when he saw me in the hall. It wasn’t until she left for college during my junior year that we really talked again. I told him I thought he was ignoring me and he told me he thought I hated him; I told him I never could.
Up to a week ago I thought I was ready to put the past where it belonged — behind me. But he has always been in my life and I am just in love with him now, as I was then. I have finally realized life isn’t always like the fairytales I read when I was young. But I know he is happy now and it’s something I am trying to find comfort in. I have discovered it is impossible to move on with life until you let go of your regrets and I hope someday soon I will be able to let go of mine.
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