Jan. 26, 2008

Megan - Suitland, Maryland
Entered on April 25, 2008

Recent events have lead me to believe that things are not as they seem to be. The mere appearance, things on the surface shall fall. I’ve had feelings of doubt for the past month or so. Trying to stay above water long enough to breathe my last breath. I want to be the one on top of things, more so the things going on now. When you have proof, but lack the evidentiary support, you might as well hold your breath. I could hold my breath, at what cost though? My sanity… Feeling so helpless, so invisible when it comes to matters such as these. Now I know I’m being scrutinized, ostracized and undermined. It’s this hazy spot right beneath the truth, just left of all the lies. The very spot in which you stand that allows you to see everything, and yet you still see nothing. One, such like myself gets blinded by the waves of thought to be facts, pure proof, sucked into the mess they created only to be for whom they built you up as such. Like the all to clever person that commits such an act upon you that you feel compelled to respond. The moment you do, your under the spotlight and all fingers are pointing to you. You then, looking all suspicious, make a plea for your innocence. Some how along the way you manage to become the evil little nasty predator preying on innocent people such as the very one standing before you. Later on the smoke filled atmosphere calms down to a light breeze and whom do you see staring back at you… a glee filled asshole with a smirk big enough to cut through your skin. Now what I’ve just mentioned has probably, most definitely happened to you at one point or another. On the same note, not saying anything in response to there actions, can go all of but two ways. One, being that you’ve played your cards just right and there practically going insane at the thought of you “not giving a flying fig” or two, you’ve some how fouled up the “non-response” tactic and showed signs of something or other. Piranha, that’s what needs to be in the back of everyone’s mind. You wouldn’t believe how easily someone of their nature can eat you alive and not even think twice. I myself have fallen victim to the Piranha. At times I’ve given them what they’ve been dying to get out of me. I am strong. So, why is it that I can’t seem to stay afloat? Falling under the surface, taking a deep breath regularly as if I’m expecting to fall under again. I need to relax and breath normal. Small stuff should not be sweated. I do okay when I have a “handle on things”, the tricky part to all of this is staying cool under pressure. Don’t get me wrong I can… just to a certain extent and depending on what’s boiling in the pot. Days go by and I get even more wrapped up in the very thing that I escaped, a few years back. The question does not remain in my quart, but in that of those harboring these actions towards me and for that matter anyone in the same boat. Easy is such an understatement when it comes to the power one has over an other. People time and time again, will argue that such a thing can be avoided, had only the person manned up. Now, this in the right light, does ring true. However, on the same note, the awareness to see such mental take over can be blurred. I must admit, I can not lie. Been there every time. Finding myself bleeding into the person they make me out to be. The very breath I breathe that makes me the person I am today, sucked out and this false sense of me planted within, fed often. A moment comes along and in that moment we’re able to tell that our vision has been obscured … but most are to far in twined to tell other wise. I am getting to attached to the feelings of betrayal, that I can’t function in society. What happens, be it for better or worse, will work itself out and needless to say I will be okay. More then okay. Fantabulous! Should I give a flying fig what those around me choose to say or do, NEGATIVE. (laughing out loud) Those that beg to differ are nothing more than worry warts. Yes, I said it. Worry warts. Nothing I do or say is really going to change how someone or some people think and feel about me. That gets me to thinking about the all mighty, “one voice is all it takes”. My stand is to not react, because in this case it works in my favor. So speak up and never back down from what you believe in. You are the creator holding the key to your very own world. Indeed, we shall make magic.

Over and Out

Megan-