This I Believe

Jessica - Salida, Colorado
Entered on April 21, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

This I believe. But what is this? Does anyone really know? Everyone says, “I believe this” or “I believe that” but do they really? As our lives continue our beliefs change. Did you really believe something at one point? Did you just think you believed it because of the situation you were in or the people you were around? Or did you just believe this because you didn’t know any better?

Recently my life has changed drastically, and with this all of my beliefs have changed. My family has been torn apart by divorce. Divorce was something I firmly believed would never happen to my family and I would never let happen to me if I got married.

My parents’ divorce changed me. I had always been an incredibly innocent protected child. Then, that innocence was shattered. I discovered a cheating father. This divorce made me shut myself to the world. I spoke to few people.

A couple months after the divorce was final, my mom remarried. I hated this new stepfather, with passionate strong uncontrollable hate. The odd thing was I didn’t believe in hating. I thought it was just something people did that should be prevented. Little did I know you can’t control hate and when it hits you, nothing can change those feelings. Life continued and pretty soon I discovered a cheating mother, which led to another divorce.

I handled the second divorce a little differently. In fact it basically had the opposite effect on me completely. I became uncontrollable and wild. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I’ll admit it, I drank and smoked and did all sorts of things that I would regret. I just didn’t care while I was doing it. This changed more beliefs. I had always grown up believing that I would never drink, at least not until I was 21 and even that would have limits. Smoking was never an option for me. Yet there I was, smoke billowing out of my mouth and nose every night, with a cigarette in one hand, and a beer can in the other.

Those two divorces, where just little beliefs changed, cause a whole chain of events that made me realize I didn’t know what I believed. At the time I believed that what I was doing was ok, at least until my brother found out. When he did, I realized I hurt him. I had been his role model and when he found out what a horrible path I had taken I lost the only thing that still mattered, his trust. Yet again my beliefs changed. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I had to change. So I did. I stopped drinking and smoking because I believe it is wrong. But how long will I believe this? No one really knows.

I believe no one really knows what he or she believes. But in the end, do I really believe that?