I Believe in the Game of Jenga

Erin - Allentown, New Jersey
Entered on April 17, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I believe in the game of Jenga. As the game goes on, piece by piece I lose a little more strength and understanding. With every move, I find myself one-step closer to crumbling completely under the pressure. I believe in finding out who I really am, no matter how much of my old self deteriorates along the way.

I am a senior in high school, practically a high school graduate, and it is difficult to feel so lost in the present when I am trying to figure out my future. This is the time to establish my identity, especially for the future adult inside me. Instead, I feel more lost in this world and myself than ever before.

Like Jenga, it only takes one event, or piece falling out of place to bring the whole world tumbling down on me. How do I pick up the pieces and put myself back together without a set of directions, without anything telling me which pieces to put where?

Most of the damage has been done within the past year, but everyday there is a possibility of a new challenge presenting itself. I lost my uncle, who was always my inspiration, and felt myself grasping for closure that I simply couldn’t find. Instead of convincing myself he was in a better place, I found my mind trying to convince me that I would never be okay without him. Then I thought I had found the perfect someone, and nothing would ever go wrong. I realized soon after that love is complicated, and never that easy. Things like these make me wonder if I really am sure about anything anymore.

So what is next for me? Trying everything. Trying to find what makes me happy, and trying to find what I want out of my life. I will cherish every “where do I go from here” moment as a new learning experience. I want to start from scratch in every aspect such as my attitude, friends, hair color; whatever it may be.

At first, feeling so lost was one of the scariest things I could imagine. But after writing this, I am beginning to understand that this is simply a learning experience, or another obstacle in life, however I want to look at it. From here on out, I plan on finding out what really makes me happy. I want to find out what I believe in, what I want to do for the rest of my life; ultimately, I want to find out who I really am. My game of Jenga is finished, because my world has already crumbled around me. Nevertheless, all the fun is in setting up the game again, right?