A CHILDS DREAM

STACIA - PETOSKEY, Michigan
Entered on April 16, 2008

A Child’s Dream

For the past few years, I felt like a moss covered rock. I had grown complacent, rarely ever stretching, or coloring outside of the lines. I believe I deserve better. When I was a kid I imagined I would go to faraway places and explore all the world had to offer.

I’m not sure when I began settling. I think life slowly invaded my dreams, and replaced them with the everyday rut. I have a life like everyone else’s, busy with schedules and places to be. It felt like life was moving fast, but I wasn’t going anywhere, I was on a daily tread mill of kids, carpools, grocery shopping, and drive through, where Monday turns to Sunday in a blink of an eye. Months, and years pass, and we forget that deep inside we had dreams. My vivid dreams of world travel became no more than a shadow.

Recently, I took a trip to Istanbul. For those 10 days, my life looked as I had imagined when I was a kid. I wandered through the shops and museums, and I felt alive and reborn. My dreams had color again. It occurred to me that, for a very long time, I was not being true to myself and this had to change, because I deserve better.

I deserve better because I have been a warrior all my life. I have taken care of the kids, the husband, the everyone else on the list. I have lived through the ups and downs and allowed everything and everyone to come first in my life — not any more. It’s my turn to be first.

I will begin with, I’m shedding the moss. It will no longer be acceptable to take life as it’s handed to me. I plan on coloring outside the lines as much as possible. I want to stretch and grow as I have never done before. It will be uncomfortable for a while. Right now I feel naked, but alive. I am filling my mind with the possibilities of what I want, and what I can do. Today, I started learning Turkish, a language that’s not very useful in everyday life, but I’m doing it anyway. I am allowing myself to feel deserving of what I have and what I want to accomplish. I have an optimism that I haven’t felt for so long.

Secondly, I am ridding myself of the past; it’s an anchor that has weighed me down for a long time. I am letting go of the negative people in my life, the ones who always tell me I can’t do something or one reason or another.

Finally, I am making plans. My new itinerary is Turkey, Syria, Morocco, Libya, and Egypt. I can already feel the warmth of the people, and smell the food cooking in the air. I plan to travel the world just as I had dreamed as a child. I will see those faraway places.

I have accepted that I deserve better. I have also accepted that it’s my responsibility to make sure my dreams come true. I am reminded of Jackson Pollock’s drip paintings, where there is no beginning, no end, only the dizzying movement of color. This is what I want my life to look like, where there is no beginning and no end only endless movement. I’m thinking it’s time to buy a new box of crayons. I finally embrace putting myself first. Why? Because I believe I deserve better. Now, it’s up to me to do better.