Change

Marissa - Boring, Oregon
Entered on April 9, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: addiction, change

I believe in change, in the constant mixing of energies, and the never ending battle between good and evil. I know that people can change; what was a negative trait can be exchanged for a positive one. To make changes to our lives we must accept the fact that a change needs to be made. I am an alcoholic, I believe that I am, I have proof that I am, and I accept it. I will always be an alcoholic, but I can change the negatives about it. I have already begun by truly believing that a change needs to be made. I also believe that I, as a human, can not do it alone. I have reached out to a higher power and asked its guidance in the process. My higher power does not have a name, it is not God, nor is it a god. It is best described as the ebb and flow of the universe, the beauty in nature, and my response to it.

After accepting my helplessness I can begin to change. I can identify my negative qualities as manipulating, lying, and sneaking. By recognizing them I can learn to alter them. I also must accept the bad things I did during my chemical use. I hurt many people, including myself. Though I did those things I am not a bad person. Those actions are in the past. I must forgive myself for them.

I believe that by changing my behaviors and amending my wrongs I can change the negativity I have brought into the world. I can restore the balance to my life and the lives of those around me. I know that the evil side, (the deception that one drink wont hurt, or that no one would even know,) of my disease will always be around. It will be a daily battle to stay positive and stay sober. When trying times arise, I will have to be ever mindful of the consequences of my actions and of the progress I have made. I know that one drink, one pill, one hit would kill me. Maybe not instantly but since addiction is a progressive disease, within no time I would be using everyday. Not only would alcohol and drug use destroy my life, but the lives of those who love me. To watch a loved one deteriorate before their eyes is a pain I refuse to bestow upon them. I believe I have the power to change. I was put in this world for a reason, a reason I will only fulfill sober, and I am determined to succeed.