I Will

Erika - Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan
Entered on April 9, 2008

Will power, the will to say no to that brownie, the will to force myself to go running, the will to finish my homework before dinner, the will to start my essay before the eve of its due date. This I lack. I fail at workout plans, I fail at diets, and I fail at effective time management. This is not to say that I am a failure, just as of now, I have failed.

Time and time again, I sit myself down and say, this time it will be different. I want to change. I need to change. Life would be easier if I could just change. The cycle usually goes as follows: First, I have a realization; something needs to change. Next, I formulate a plan, whether a mental plan or I actually write it down. After that, I begin, right then and there, I start my plan. It feels good, at that moment, to have a plan, and to have begun. The next few days that follow, I stick to my plan; a hundred crunches here, two miles there, a couple bananas here, a salad there. Then, my life arrives; my busy, over worked, sleep deprived life hits me hard. Soon, I become too tired to follow the plan tonight, but I will make up for it tomorrow night, or tomorrow night, or next week. This is when the plan is abandoned, and I am back where I started. Countless times, this cycle repeats.

It’s not to say that I do not care, I do. When it comes down to it though, I am easily persuaded to stray from what I know is best. Daily, I tell myself I need to grow up, I beg myself to please just grow up; say no, stick to the plan, follow through. And I begin, I start the plan, but I end up back where I started. I know it is one thing to want to change, and a whole different thing to actually change. So, I am working on it. I truly am. I have found that it is easier to say no, and to change, when it is done in baby steps. Like Bob from What About Bob, baby steps out the door, baby steps down the hallway, and baby steps to the elevator. Every day I try and do a little bit better than the day before, build my will power, and maybe this time, I will.