One Last Goodbye

Mairead - Lake in the Hills, Illinois
Entered on April 7, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: death, family

During Christmas season of 2004, my world would be forever changed. I went to the hospital after the last day of school for winter break. I stood in my mom’s hospital room bawling my eyes out. There was no turning back. My mom wouldn’t be able to be here for the four of us when she would be needed the most. She left us December 19, 2004. The next week was the hardest. But I continued on like nothing was wrong. I bottled up my pain inside and no one really saw it. I covered it with a smile. I was afraid to confront my mother’s death. I barely went to the coffin, I did not even say goodbye. I wish I said goodbye.

My mom was diagnosed with fourth stage breast cancer when I was in seventh grade. I didn’t really understand what I was being told. I only understood that she would have to have surgery and get extensive rounds of chemotherapy which required my mom to stay in the hospital a week at a time. I just wanted my mom to get better. By the end of the school year my mom was better.

The summer before my freshman year in high school, my mom became extremely sick again. She spent the whole summer in the hospital. Her cancer had spread to her brain. She could barely walk and talk. It was heart wrenching to watch my mom lay in bed and not be able to communicate with me or my siblings. I was preparing to say goodbye. By the time high school started, my mom made a complete recovery and was back at home.

I dealt with not saying goodbye for almost two years. I knew my mom was always with me but I missed her so much. I missed saying goodnight and giving her a kiss before I went to bed. I missed seeing her hospital bed in the family room down stairs when I would walk in the house. I missed talking to her. She was my best friend. I was so close to her.

Christmas season has become a hard time of the year for me since then. But two years after my mom’s death I had to face the Christmas celebrations. I decided to go see Santa Clause. I had my picture taken with him and everything. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I whispered in his ear, “To see my mom one more time, to give her one last hug.” What Santa said to me next helped me in more ways than I will ever know. Santa said, “Close your eyes and think about her. You will be able to see her. She is always with you. Whenever you miss your mother, just close your eyes and you will see her.” From that day on whenever I miss my mom I just close my eyes and there she is smiling bright like she always did.