This I Believe

marty - State College, Pennsylvania
Entered on April 3, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50

Those magnifying mirrors attached to the wall in hotel bathrooms should be banned.

I am drawn to them like a beetle to a bug zapper, but—seriously—whose face could pass

such close inspection?

Hair has begun to sprout from my ears. According to my barber, this is hormones at work, but I think it more likely God is having a chuckle. At my wife’s expense. I believe there are worse things in life than hairy ears, but not many.

I have over-used the joke, “My eyes are the only part of my body that still work.” Now that I rely on drugstore readers, I must search for both new material and new feats with which I might hope to amaze. Must I believe in mid-life crisis to have one?

As my oldest child approaches his 20th birthday, grandchildren have become biologically possible, and with such possibility comes an ominous and confusing sense that I am somehow late for the school bus, or that I’ve made the bus in only my underpants.

I believe young people are the answer but that we shouldn’t tell them quite yet. Especially the 43,000 who live in my small town. When we do, let’s plan to text them one at a time as we stand on-line at Starbucks ordering our grande lattes.

I am conservative when it comes to money, and wish our government would print less,

but I won’t touch the screen for a candidate who preaches strong family values. Mind your own, please. I believe I prefer your focus on bringing our soldiers home.

Does anyone have a strategy for dealing with the deregulation of electricity? I believe I’m a bit behind on this front and would appreciate some guidance. Perhaps we could create some sort of commission. . . I simply need the lights to come on when switched.

I believe the world is too enormous to understand but not so to melt, and yet I drive a Chevrolet Tahoe because GM already went to the trouble of making it, and it’s paid for, and because, well, people are also hard to understand. I believe my wife is a saint.

Socrates is said to have said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” an assertion that seems to carry a fair bit of weight, and so I must believe its corollary, that laughter is indeed the best medicine ever invented by man. No kidding, this I believe.