I thought I had lost the words.

Margaret - PAWLEYS ISLAND, South Carolina
Entered on April 3, 2008
Age Group: 50 - 65

How do you find the words? How do we as lowly humans express what is in our hearts and minds effectively. In the best of times, we take our lives for granted and in the worst, we realize that we may not have the time to say all the things that need saying.

Recently, my husband of 40 years was diagnosed with Esophogus Cancer and the world as we new it, unraveled with a speed that astonished me. As most people, when faced with challenges that are untenable, I turned to my God. Now understand that I have always had an ongoing, good working relationship with God. As a child, force-fed traditional Cathoicism in a heavy-handed way, I had long ago discarded a structured church style religion. For most of my adult years, God and I have worked together more in a, “I know you are there but I’m not going to bother you with the day to day stuff”, kinda relationship. Needless to say, with my husbands’ diagnosis, our conversations became more frequent. My husband, all the while or at least for many years, has thought that I am a non-believer at worst, or just a lost wandering soul at best, because I was not interested in going to church.

In our emotional crisis, I realized that I had lots that I wanted to say, but verbalization, dispensed in a puddle of tears-interspaced with hiccups, made the words unintelligible. I realized letters from the heart would be the only way to do it. So I wrote this so that he would know what I believe.

I believe that we are here for a reason. What that reason is, I believe God is keeping that on a “need to know” basis and we aren’t there yet. Our job is to enjoy searching for the answer.

We need to be kind to others but also to ourselves. We are not meant to be perfect nor have perfect lives. God gives us what we can handle, even when we scream at Him, “thank you very much but that is more than enough”. We get thru the trials we are given, most often coming out the other side a better person than when we entered.

God is all around us. I feel Him in the springtime warmth and see Him in the Carolina-blue sky and in my handicapped kitten that cannot meow outloud. I saw Him in the fear in my husbands’ eyes and the pain in his tears. Now,most of all, I see God in the hope that sustains us. Hope is why He died for us and with it He lives for us. I believe that we often forget the value of time and love. Hurdles that are thrown our way are done so to make us appreciate everything and everyone around us.

His greatest gifts to us are love and hope. My husband and I have them both and they are the glue that holds us to each other and to Him. All this I believe to be true.