I was killed. Killed by grief, lost love, and my own pigheadedness.
2003, my parents divorced, like most US couples these days. It was devastating for my younger brother and I. The divorce started to take negative affects on my mom. She started to fade, almost non responsive. Soon after, she was diagnosed with Bi-polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. She started doing things we have been taught all our lives not to do. Drink, smoke, cut, overdose. Many times I watched the ambulance drive away from home with my Mom strapped to a stretcher after a suicide attempt, it didn’t make sense in a 11 year olds eyes, most of it still doesn’t. The love I had for my Mother started to die, being replaced with what I thought was hate. She brought pain and discomfort. She wasn’t the mom I use to know, the mom who would leave love notes in my lunch, the mom who would throw parties for the smallest holidays, like St. Patrick’s Day, She was no longer the mom who use to be my best friend.
Then she left, she realized how much her family was suffering. She moved to Wisconsin to live with her own Mother to get some real help. It was relieving to not have to cope with situations she put me in. I was stubborn, not recognizing the love she did have for me and the trials she was going through.
It took the most devastating accident for me to finally to come to a recognition of the love i have my mother.
July 9th 2005, 2 years later. I tossed and turned that warm summer night. Restless. It was as if something was wrong, very wrong. The uncomfortable feeling faded, and i drifted away. The golden sun peered into my window that Sunday morn, pulling the covers over my head, i could hear the door crack open, In a gentle voice dad said, “We need to talk” then the door shut. What was that suppose to mean? Tired and ornery, i rolled out of bed. I wobbled out into the living room and sat down on the couch. With my morning breath and frizzy hair i left a blank expression on my face, waiting for an explanation from my dad.
“Mom past away last night in a car accident.” Dad whispered. My body went numb, i sat there for what seemed to be hours. People faded, the room began to swirl, She was gone. I didn’t move, i didn’t breathe, i didn’t cry. I just sat, as if i was in a terrible nightmare..but this was reality.
The love that i thought had vanished, suddenly came rushing back. I finally realized that my love for my own my would never die. I believe love is unconditional, even though it took death to make me realize.
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