Sometimes in my life, I have wondered what it is all for. This sentiment doesn’t inherently carry an overtone of suicide, although some might consider that an automatic side effect. But that would be incorrect. My contemplation has taken me on a long and often difficult inner journey, searching for a truth that hides itself in the small, and the obvious, and the obscure, and often in the ridiculous. I have been trying to recognize, as well as to render, real love. I don’t say true love, as in matrimony; I say real love, as in one human soul to another outside the realm of eroticism or sensuality.
Love can be tough. We have all heard that it “must” be tough, but that is a different style. I say it ‘can’ be tough: in application, in reciprocation, in vocation. How do I love? Is it like seed in a spreader, cast across the lawn of humanity? Or is it like the lily bulbs I secretly plant in my mom’s yard every fall, that surprise her in the spring? How can I love when I’m not sure I will be loved in return? I can because love isn’t loaned: it is given. There is no inherently expected payback, or it really isn’t love, its sort-of a lukewarm “like.”
Love is tough when I have tried my hardest to be understanding and sensitive and loyal, and then look down and notice the figurative knife in my heart; there is no massive wound but my GOD does it hurt. But if there is at last no anger with the pain, I believe that means I really love. I heard somewhere once that love is pain; if so, it is the most exquisite variety. A real knife wound is likely preferable; yeah, actually it is.
The Bible talks about love; devotes a whole chapter to it in fact, to all it’s many attributes and what its behavior is. Ever read that part? What a tall order: holy crap I don’t think I’ll ever be like that completely. But love can’t exclusively be the sum of all those things, so that lacking just one we don’t have the real article: if so, none of us would ever truly love. So if we have mini-compounds from the master formula, I believe it is enough, because it still leaves room to add some ingredients as we grow. I guess for me in my humanness I will venture that some are better than none, if they run true.
I have given it a lot of thought for many years, and have decided the best approach is straightforward and honest. I will not hide the fact that I am trying to love. I will try to love ferociously: I will give you everything I have of love, and hope that maybe you decide to return the favor. But it’s not really a favor; it’s a decided lifestyle: I will love. I will, and no one will ever stop me.
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