Today made me just flash through the past, of all my old
friends and the friends I have now.
I always go back to my old best friends, one by one,
recounting in my head who they were. I spent a lot of
dear time and heart with each of them, but each of them disappeared into my mere memory. I really despise this pattern: old people leaving, and
new people coming into my life. Constantly, I restart my life over, refreshing the people I had. I want
friendships to develop and grow, but instead they wither like a rotten flower.
I want to keep someone in my life for once. I want to
have someone I know for years, and will continue to
know. I want someone to eventually know who I really am.
It seems like a dream, a wish that can never come true.
You are one of my closest friends, one that I consider
permanent and not a temporary bliss. But you changed. Maybe I just have too much expectation for you.
Expectation is bad. People constantly criticize me, change me, when that is not who I am.
No matter what, I will always be me. You will always be you.
Remember a while ago at adebate meeting, when I
had an argument with Carl, and I suddenly left out of
anger? He told me,
Linda, you have no life.
He said this last year, and it just ruined the relationship with him. I pretend not to care about his comment. Secretly, I really do care. It keeps nagging at me, tearing my heart. I am
discouraged sometimes because of this criticism that “I have no life.”
The words that continue to haunt me is this: “You have a life, Linda. See what you are doing!”
You told me the next day, “You need to change.” My heart just died right there. I think a lot, I
know. But it seems as if you too believe that I do not
have a life, that I constantly live in a dull void.
Your opinion meant a lot to me, but you also did
not believe in me, and that was the worst. My own close friend did not.
That was the day I decided to hang out with other people so much more, attending many, many parties. In truth, the parties are really ok. They’re just parties, after all.
There is always that whisper in my ear: “Linda, see! You
do have a life!”
Before all the parties and the movies, in all honesty, I
really enjoyed spending my time with you. I
love researching about peace keeping operations, civil
liberties, discovering new ideals about Education. My conversations with you were actually DEEP.
Still, I wish you guys respected me for who I am. You
don’t. I am that girl “who has no life,” “who is a
robot.” You can practically predict what I am going to
do, right? You know me, right? I miss you, and our conversations about politics, about equality, about
education. Real conversations.
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