I am an actor. I go through each day acting happy or sad, laughing at terrible jokes, and pretending to be interested in what other people are saying. I watch others make their way through life by acting, and those who grow tired of acting try to kill themselves or other people. I believe that it is easier to act through life than to tell the truth.
At school there are those teachers that I dislike. Each day I walk into their classroom give them a pleasant smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. It is the same way with many of my friends. They talk about staying up all night, talking with their boyfriends on the phone, but I could careless. Still I listen and act as though I am interested because it is easier.
I have been raised by a hypocritical mother, who corrects her daughter on everything that she, herself does on a daily basis. However, when I come down stairs in the morning I always give my mom a friendly, “Morning!” and act as though she were still my best friend. How can I tell her that she is no better than me? I hate my mother, but some how, I forget at times.
Over the years I have made a point of trying to understand who I am. Though I have begun to lose my self to the actor. I no longer know if the girl who laughs at stupid jokes is actually myself or the actor. Even in my dreams I can’t be myself. I take on the forms of the characters of my imagination, wandering the world of dreams. Only in the wee hours of the morning, when I rollover in bed, thinking to myself, “Just a little longer,” am I, myself.
What ever is on my mind, the reason I go on acting from day to day, I am afraid to say. It’s not that I am afraid that the world will bite back, I’m afraid nothing will change. I hate acting all the time. I want to be myself and enjoy life. I crave to be the out going person I was meant to be, to speak my mind when it pleases me. But I am afraid that nothing will change, and oh do I want something to change.
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