“All the pain I thought I knew, all the thoughts lead back to you, back to what was never said, Back and forth inside my head, I can’t handle this confusion, I’m unable; come and take me away.” As I listen to these lyrics from the song Take Me Away by Avril Lavigne, I think to myself how sometimes I wish someone would take me away from all this confusion that goes on in my family.
I wonder if every teenager’s life is this hard. I wonder why it had to be me. Ever since I was young I never wanted to be one of those divorcee kids. Divorce seemed to be looked upon in shame in the Asian community. There wasn’t a single Asian I knew in my school that had divorced parents. To top that off, I always wonder why, why did my dad had to blow all our savings not once by three times in the course of three years. You think that life is going to get better as we start to recuperate our losses, and then there it goes again, all of our hard work.
It’s just my mom, my little brother, and I now, trying to do what we can to stick together as a family. But it seems like whatever we do my mom would never be truly happy. I always felt like nothing we ever did was ever good enough for her. Maybe because she was a “stereotypical” Asian mom who wanted nothing more but her kids to succeed or maybe it is because she regrets not divorcing my dad earlier and finding true love. Whatever the reason, I try my hardest not to make her mad or upset, but something always goes wrong. Maybe I’m the reason for her unhappiness.
With my little brother now also at those teenage years, he’s starting to change emotionally, and we never know what he really feels inside. All his feelings seemed to be blocked away by the means of video games, and you would never know what he’s feeling. One moment, he’ll say “I give up on life,” and the next moment, “I wish my algebra teacher would just fail me already,” always ending in the phrase “I’m fine!” before either retuning to his video games or going off in a tantrum, whenever we ask him what’s wrong. I feel like I’ve failed as an older brother; I’m supposed to be the role model. Where did I go wrong?
As I look on to the future with a lack of optimism, I grasp on to the belief that everything will be fine, that everything will work out for my little brother and my mom, that maybe just maybe someday all our problems will disappear. But for now, I will live on through this uncertainty like I’ve been doing for the last couple of years, living life for the moment.
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