My feet touch the floor, but my mind is far from the texture of the carpet, the weight of my body on my legs. The captain in his yellow slicker, wet with rain, is trying to remind me of my dream – his face is lined and serious, sharp against the fading movement behind him. The story is leaving me and he wants me to remember… something significant, I am sure.
My eyes find the reflection of a face – ratty hair and sleepy eyes. A yawn. What will today hold for me? The question hangs there, in the quiet.
Gravity pushes me down; down to the carpet and the concrete beneath. Down to my guilt, my bad day yesterday, the fear of a stagnant life. The fear of not moving forward.
What was the dream again?
I begin the ritual of morning. Shower, blow-dryer, makeup, curling iron, clothes. Thoughts push their way like layers over every activity. The movie was so good. My closet is a mess. Why don’t I have a job I like? He looked amazing last night. Am I a good person?
The rooms are still dark, the inhabitants sleeping. I want my kids and I don’t. I won’t see them all day if I let them sleep, but the morning isn’t mine if I wake them.
Why don’t I write my dreams down?
My babies smell soft and sweaty – their eyes look like oriental puppies. Smiling, I love them with all of my heart. They love me right back and I am right where I want to be.
One on my hip, one on the counter, we make breakfast. My daughter’s eyes follow me. Behind them is no judgment – I know this because not very long ago, my eyes did the very same. Mom was beautiful, and smart, and knew everything about making breakfast. Someday I would too. As her Mom, I know my movements are graceful, my laugh is magical, and my breakfast-making abilities are cutting-edge.
My baby gives me a kiss – a new talent -because she knows I need it. I’ll remember it when I need a lift later on. Mentally, I shake off the previous thought. Today will be a great day! I will seize it with both hands and wring out the adventure and mystery! There is no reason why someone as smart, as clever, as lucky as me can’t have a job I like, or even a career I love. No reason at all.
The thought propels me forward and my mouth begins to sing. The music comes from inside, unexpected to both the girls and myself. The song is accompanied with joy, and suddenly the captain appears.
His message is clear, yet coated in a dream-like substance that can be hard to read through. While I understood the feeling, the exact message was is a little distorted. The feeling: he wants me to recognize adventure.
I remember the day before – my bad day – when I was entering columns of numbers in my computer. I had been doing the data entry for about five hours when the last of my defenses finally crumpled. The actress, dancer, warrior, mother, lover, child inside couldn’t justify the work anymore. Inwardly, I was sobbing; sobbing for being angry with myself, for feeling insignificant, and for staying at a job that made me feel worthless.
Outwardly I was composed, with a bright smile on my face for the people I pretended to care about if they happened to walk by. The betrayal to myself was unbearable.
I had hurried outside then, and stood by my car so I could stare at the sky. Stone-grey clouds looked kindly down at me, although the wind whipped madly by, freezing cold and laced with rain. I didn’t have my jacket, and I didn’t care; the day was alive, with a beating heart and a physical touch. My hair began to dance around my face so that the clouds above me were seen through whirling strings and strands. The cold was electrifying. I basked in it. I stayed in it until my hands were red, my face was numb and my soul was repaired.
Maybe I am really a pirate.
Laughing, I stop singing and dance with my baby around the kitchen. I am a pirate – no – a mermaid – no – a fairy and life is full, unexplored and grand. I believe this. The earth just had to remind me sometimes. As a pirate, I am exploring uncharted waters, ready to claim new land and find buried treasure. Even a pirate has to wait sometimes, and while I do, I can feel the wind in my hair as I keep my head up, my eyes bright and expectant.
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