The Void

Mark - Orchard Park, New York
Entered on February 28, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

Family usually conjures images of togetherness, comfort and love. But, for me it has always been different. My family has never been wholly functional. Conflicts and fighting were more habitual and common then Anna Nicole Smith’s latest drug overdose. But, we still maintained a certain, albeit low, level of happiness until my oldest sister gradually revealed hidden thoughts of suicide and depression.

In a way I always hated her for it but in another way I really could not blame her. This kind of news would have probably shaken any functional family let alone my dysfunctional one; the fighting between my parents became dramatically worse than before. My parents had conflicting view points on how to best treat my oldest sister, my dad remained (and still remains to this day) skeptical over the effectiveness of psychiatric drugs and psychiatrists in general. My mom was more open to the idea of my sister seeing a psychiatrist and treating her with psychiatric drugs, to my father’s dismay. During their fights I grew more and more introverted I felt more helpless there was no way I could help my sister and there was no way I could get my parents to stop fighting.

My middle school years were riddled with on and off yelling matches, my sister’s visits to the mental hospital and constant loneliness I wished there was just one person I could have talked to then. But, I did not have many friends than I was very quiet and introverted and being overweight did not help my case ether. Instead, I found insults from my fellow peers and my faith in humanity completely shattered in to a billion little pieces. I also hated and envied my peers they had what I wanted happiness, stability and a group of friends I could pal around with when things got rough. I guess my hatred and anger at them always kept a wall between them and I at that time I felt only some immaculate form of alien contact would enable me to reach them.

Enter Mrs.Steenberg my high school social worker things had generally started winding down at my house although there was still a level unease but nothing that conjured the pain and misery of my middle school years. At this point I felt hopeless; happiness was a hope and normality a quandary. But, somehow she gradually raised me from my pit and for fluttering moments I felt an alien feeling of happiness that had never graced my presence before and eventually my feelings of sorrow were replaced by feeling of happiness and enjoyment. The concrete wall between my peers and I that had kept me worlds apart from them was dissolving. For, the first time in my 11 years of school I actually felt like I could communicate with my peers and yes I was happy.