Cosgrove - San Francisco, California
Entered on February 26, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: addiction, change

I have heard a story about a man who had been deaf all his life. As he lay dying in bed, he questioned his daughter when she drew back the morning curtains with, “What is the sound the sun makes when it bursts into the room like that?”

When I stopped using meth I did the smart thing. I gave up all my friends, the phone numbers, the places…I gave up anything to do with meth. The trouble is I gave up my entire social network to begin anew. Only its three years later and I haven’t begun anew. I froze myself in time. I lived in an isolated world where no harm could come to me. I lived in the enviable castle! A prince with his prince and like any prince; he is protected and shielded from the outside world with that very castle.

Eventually the outside world did come a knockin’ more closely and, much to my chagrin, I am not a prince, nor do I live in a castle. I am not shielded from the world and the realities of a truly lived life; I am isolated. I gave up reality when I was high. There is nothing like the feeling of total euphoria, induced or not, simply nothing like it. When emotions are too close to the surface with me or relationships become something more then fucking; when all these things happen my instinct is to get high and I struggle. I struggle to avoid falling into the pit of false euphoria of meth, and up to now, have not gotten high.

Real life issues have crept under the doors of my emotional walls. Damn it! I stumble over myself to build bigger, stronger walls faster then my fingers type across the keyboard; the daily pressures of living a life fulfilled without meth seems impossible. My shield has cracked and suddenly there is a life outside the door inviting me to join it complete with the pain and sorrow that all of life’s pleasures can bring. I could get high and return to the darkness or I could let my walls crumble. I am literally stuck between two worlds.

A flicker of light tickles my soul like a laser pointer dancing on my sweaty chest when I would do ecstasy….and dance.

My eyes need time to adjust to the light but I welcome the light of life, if you don’t mind the trite analogy, and I want my walls to come gently down but I fear they will crash down and crush me. Still, I work desperately to bravely step into the world as a strong and confident man but meth has left me feeling isolated, alone and wondering what is the point?

I look at the enormity of what life has to offer and that alone to a meth user can be reason enough to use and I realize that I am not choosing meth, I am choosing to step into the world squinting and covering my eyes, desperately trying to shield myself from the intensity of the light. I step back into the shadows and begin again.

My eyes will adjust.

“What is the sound the sun makes when it bursts into the room like that?”

I say, Breathless.