Where to begin? What to say? Such a simple question, but yet a complex answer. The thought has been pondered for thousands of generations. Nobody can give you the solution. For everyone, I think, the formula is different. Our minds perceive what we see, hear, feel, touch, and taste all in a different way. Each person has a distorted truth, never knowing what is really there. The mind has the power to twist everything one does to make it feel more acceptable without ever realizing what it has done.
Each and every individual must stop and wonder from time to time, all of them must decide what it is that makes them tick. For me it is much more than a simple essay can convey. It is not one feeling or emotion, but a series, a strand intertwined, wrapped together. To unravel or break down such a thought could take a lifetime. We don’t always have that long in the short time that we are here. You must make your stand and then quickly let it go. If you linger on that philosophical ideology of what you believe, you will find yourself stuck in a circle constantly trying to solve what can’t be fathomed.
As humans we search for structure, a reason or rhyme to what it is we see. The desire for a logical means not only overwhelms us, but also is the driving force that motivates us to keep moving and searching for more. When I think about what I believe, I feel it is what makes me. I look and search deep down into what I picture as my soul, deep that light can’t even reach it. That point is a kind of peace that can only rarely be reached. I find my views in Christ as a Christian similar to others but differing significantly. I believe I am a temple of God, but I feel that I do not need to go to church in order to proclaim my faith. A stone building is not what confirms my faith, but my actions and thoughts. I have gone through a few years in which I questioned what was right and wrong. Many moral decisions came to me. I had many questions which I couldn’t answer. Some of the things that came to mind were that I wouldn’t get a tattoo or piercing for I feel that my body is not mine to tamper with, but a vessel which God let me borrow, in which I will have to return when I leave this world. I told myself that I would not get into drugs; I would keep firm in faith and have religious tolerance; when dealing with my partner I would have a faithful relationship.
I found all these ideas and morals to be what I believed, but then I found that they were also too heavy for my shoulders to carry. The mere idea strained and nearly broke my back. I had dreamed and seen what I knew to be true to me. Knowing though that I couldn’t possibly step up unto that platform, I fell into a depressed state. I felt life was too cruel. I felt remorse and regret for things that I had done to others. I even felt anger and torment. Each day felt like an eternity. I tried to find an escape while grasping onto my values, but found it impossible; the demons were just too great. Knowing that life was in such a way we could never avoid pain. I felt the desire to succumb, to take the easy way out, and to simply pass on by, without a word, without a care except knowing that it would end soon. I felt that being with God now was the best choice, but to take the easy road was not the right way. Then I thought of what I believed and reminded myself that suicide was something I didn’t believe. So it is I believe I’m still alive.
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