This I Believe

Susan - Lockport, New York
Entered on February 6, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: addiction, change

For This I Believe

I believe in the power of recovery. I have been to the depths of hell during my addiction to narcotics and I have made it out the other side. This is through the power of recovery, being part of a twelve step group and making changes in myself that I never dreamed were possible.

Through this process I went from being down and out, almost losing my family, my career and my home due to addiction to being clean and sober for 11 years. Now, I no longer crave or desire any type of mood altering drugs or alcohol. What I have been able to do is to put down the drugs and pick up the ability to make changes in myself that the twelve steps of AA ands NA have provided to me. I never thought that I could change; I thought that I would die a drug addict. Through the grace of a higher power I was able to become a different person. I let go of that old human being who only thought of the using and getting drugs in order to change the way I felt. I hated myself and didn’t want to deal with the guilt and shame connected to my subhuman life style.

I wasn’t always a drug addict. I was a smart, competent young woman who graduated valedictorian of her college class. I went on to medical school and then on to a surgery residency. That’s where the access to drugs caught up with me and my genetic predisposition to addiction kicked in. Some parts of my life were good, but near the end of my using most were horrible.

I got married and had four kids. I couldn’t get or stay clean until I got so low that I had no choice. Today I have a choice. I have the choice to not use any mood altering substances and to start the merry-go-round all over again. I believe in a higher power who did for me what I could not do for myself and still does every day. I believe in the group of drunks and addicts that I sit in a circle with every week. I listen to them tell me how they stay in recovery and how great life is. I listen to them tell my story.

Life now is beyond my wildest dreams and it is through my ability to change, with the help of others going through the same process that I have been able to carry my head high. I can say that I am an addict, but I don’t have to live the horrors of active addiction anymore because I have found and held on to my recovery which is the most important thing in my life.