Void of Life

Shawna - Garland, Texas
Entered on February 6, 2008

I believe in the ability for change, only with God’s loving guidance, understanding, and influence. My belief runs deep, and this is why; at one time in my life, I believed everyone owed me something. At Christmas, my belief was “Tis the season, to be stealin’.” I believed drugs were my answer to everything! I believed God had abandoned me for turning away from him and worshipping the drugs I felt I had to have daily. Then came the void! The void is, simply, I couldn’t see going one more day doing drugs, but I couldn’t see going that same day without drugs. There was nothing in me, no feelings, no emotions, no thoughts, I was a black bottomless void!

So i checked myself into Nexus Recovery for Women and Children, and I was there for 93 days with my children. I learned how to be a parent to my kids and myself, I learned drugs are not my answer to everything, good or bad, that happens to me, and most importantly, I learned God was there all along… Which brings me to my first and foremost belief being in God! Withouot Him, I would be dead, literally!

It’s funny, I can look back on my life, when I believed He had abandoned me, but now i see He was always there, protecting me, loving me. I suppose everyone is wondering, how can you just all of a sudden believe in God? Well, here’s your answer, it wasn’t all of a sudden. It took 35 years, 5 children, and an addiction that almost killed me hundreds of times over. It wasn’t just the drugs that almost killed me all those times, although they had their fair share, it was the people I was associating with that was dangerous to my well being also.

At that time I didn’t feel worthy to be loved by God, so i thought in my diseased mond, that He had turned away from me. Now I know it wasn’t Him who turned away, it was all me. After I went to recovery, I reflected back to my nightmare that I had made for myself. I realized God was always with me, or I would have died all those times, or just once. My relationship with God has grown so much in the 10 months i’ve been clean, that I can’t see going several times a day without talking to my closest friend.

Looking at life through my eyes, now, is totally awesome! I know i am worthy of God’s loving patience, and I see his hand touching my life in so many ways!I feel his strength surronding me and leading me every single day. He is my Rock and the one I turn to for anything, no matter how simple or enormous I feel it is, Because to Him, it’s all important. I pray for the strength to stay clean and I can’t ever see myself going back to that old self. Change took a long time for me to finally get it right. The only way I was able to accept the change I needed so desperately, was to finally realize I wasn’t alone in my fight to change, that God was right beside me, guiding me in the right direction.