This I Believe

Ashlen - West Haven, Utah
Entered on February 5, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: family, love, setbacks

The loneliest night of my life was also bittersweet. I was lying in that hospital cot, tossing and turning while hooked up to all those tubes. One wrong move and the equipment started beeping; only stopping when the nurse came in to push that switch. There were several reasons which made sleep improbable. The machine going off was only one factor.

Hours before, my family had been in the room gathered around and contemplative. My mother had been with me all day, but the rest had come only for a bit, and that was more than enough. I had started the day in the depths of despair, able bodied, to being at peace yet immobile. I would take that peace of feeling loved over anything.

It was a series of events that lead to that fateful day. In the midst of that last year of school, I obtained a loneliness and fear that was completely foreign to me. Getting the best of me, I was consumed by it and starting living only for my friends. Soon that wasn’t enough and I began chatting with this person named Shaun. He told me he was in love after one week. We talked off and on for a few months, then it become chaotic. After it was proven I was only being used, we cut ties. My mother found out a few weeks later and was desperately concerned.

The night before the hospital stay was when it all unraveled. I had trusted a person I didn’t even really know with all I had, only to be shattered like a useless mirror. With the pressure of finishing school, feeling inadequate, and after feeling let down again, my nerves seemed to collapse.

I woke up late that next morning like usual. My mother raised her voice and told me to re-think my life as it was at the moment. Weakened and fragile hearted, I swore I could take no more. I was home alone for a brief moment and seized my chance by diving through the medicine cabinet grabbing the first bottle I came to. Swallowing one handful, I proceeded to do one more, then came another half bottle. As I did so, I looked out the window and saw it was blizzard like. A few minutes later it was perfectly calm, and a warm rush came over me telling me it was going to be alright.

My mother took me to school after returning shortly. I did not tell her then what I had done. I found a friend by her locker and relayed to her. She took me to the office and I was escorted away in an ambulance. It was all so fast and my mother had been informed and was by my side in no time. I realized then, that genuine love like that was what I could trust and I will always remember it.