This I Believe

Rachael - Omaha, Nebraska
Entered on February 4, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: setbacks

“I’ve Lost My Fear Of Falling”

I believe in destruction. I believe that in order for us to know who we truly are, we must see ourselves as anything but perfect, because we are – anything but perfect.

I believe in rebirth. I believe that only through the fire and ash can we emerge once more, and hopefully, with luck, we emerge as something better than what we had been.

I’ve made mistakes. We all have. But I’ve put them behind me, learned from them, allowed the ruinous path I’ve left in my wake to drive me forward. I’ve broken friendships. I’m pretty sure I’ve broken hearts. I never tried to, but I did anyway.

Now I’ve learned from this. I learned sometimes destruction is a good thing.

In fifth grade I moved. Nothing major, just one side of town to another. ‘Grass is greener’, all that crap parents tell you. I’d built friendships, friendships that helped me grow as a person. Those were all broken. I never see anyone I grew up with anymore. The destruction of those friendships taught me how to be outgoing, how to broaden my horizons and accept more people into my life.

The first friend I made in my new school hates me now. The feeling’s mutual. But she did one thing right, she at least introduced me to the people I still hang around with. I’ll give her that. But she started to change. I realized that I didn’t want to associate with her anymore. Now back then, drugs and sex weren’t things girls our age generally played around with. I’m sure some of us did, but no one I knew. I could tell, though. This girl was going down that path. And I didn’t want to follow her there.

The breaking of that friendship wasn’t pleasant. Words were exchanged that neither of us can ever take back. Words came out of my mouth that I probably shouldn’t have known at that age. I might have broken her a bit back then. I think she broke me a bit. But out of that I rose a better person. I know the direction my life is going, and I look at hers, and I thank God that I made that decision.

I believe that fear built my personal walls, and over ten years of construction, I got lost in the labyrinth of my own design. Ever since my youth, I hid my emotions, I ran from them, because I was afraid of being hurt. I’d been hurt. I never wanted to be hurt again. But I didn’t want to be lost either. I believe that the destruction of those walls opened up parts of my life that I’d been truly incomplete without. And yes, sometimes it hurts. But without pain, rebirth and happiness really have nothing to compare to. The more you feel pain, the more you feel happiness, the more you cherish it.

I believe that I am broken. But if this life I have is broken, I know I never want to be fixed.