Broken But Healed

Chanel - Fort Worth, Texas
Entered on January 28, 2008

I grew up in what most people would consider the typical American family. I was enrolled in private school and received virtually everything I asked for. I had a descent amount of friends and was part of the “popular” crowd. From elementary all the way through high school, I made the honor roll and was involved in a handful of extra-curricular activities. To many, this was the childhood they had always dreamed of. But for me, something was missing. There was a major void in my life; more specifically, in my heart.

When people heard my name, either one of two adjectives would come to mind: intelligent or joyous. I used this to my advantage. Most days I would bury my head in books to escape the pain and confusion I was dealing with. I would also use the fact that I had an all around joyous attitude to hide my struggle and hurt behind smiles and laughter. These tactics worked for the majority of my childhood.

However, during my senior year of high school I decided that I was tired of putting on a “front.” From then on I was going to freely express myself. I had also made the decision to be friends with or hang out with whoever I wanted, no matter what “clique” they were in.

In my opinion, the most courageous decision I made was to attempt to establish a healthy relationship with my biological father. The summer after I graduated, I began spending time with him, his wife, and his children. The reasoning behind this particular decision was my attempt to fill that void in my heart. Surprisingly, the plan backfired. A series of unfortunate events took place this past Christmas vacation and I was left feeling emptier and more alone than I had ever felt before. I didn’t know where to go, who to talk to, or what to do; I was clueless and in the dark. I needed an amount of comfort, strength, and love that no human on earth could possibly give me.

Browsing a church website on New Year’s Eve, I came across the Prayer of Salvation. As I read the prayer aloud, I began to weep. Immediately, I felt buoyant. Everything that was burdening my heart and mind was lifted. I believe allowing Christ back into my heart was THE best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Since then, my days have been filled with the Spirit of the Lord. I get joy from the simple things. Just looking up at the shining sun, or seeing a child smile, or even someone simply holding a door for me makes me thank God for his marvelous ways. All the hurt and pain and emptiness I was feeling is gone. God became the father I was yearning for. He is my Doctor, my Provider, my Professor…my everything. God mended my heart, and filled that void. So although I may still be broken, I am most definitely healed.