This I Believe

Rachel - Melrose Park, Pennsylvania
Entered on January 26, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

This I believe “…to follow that star- no matter how

hopeless; no matter how far…” By Rae Leventhal, Melrose Park, PA.

(From the Impossible Dream, Man of La Mancha!)

I believe that Lenin was correct when he stated

that, “religion is the opiate of the masses.” I believe that

while there is a God, that we have completely forgotten the

true meaning of life and the proper way of celebrating the

Human Experience. I believe that while Christmas music is

absolutely lovely, it should be a felony to play any of it

before Thanksgiving. I believe that songs about dreidles

demean the Jewish people as a whole and should be banned. I

believe that the reason Hannukkah has been elevated to the

status of a major Jewish holiday is solely to keep small

Jewish children from mass defection to Christianity as a New

Year’s resolution.

While we’re on the topic, I also believe that most retail

stores raise their prices up to 300% every November in order

to sell their crap at the supposed “50% off” sale price.

They do this to give the illusion of a good bargain to my

non-Jewish friends. In fact, I’m beginning to believe that

God invented my non-Jewish friends just so somebody would be

foolish enough to buy retail.

I believe that there is no such thing as Santa and that if

Rudolph were alive today, “all of the other reindeers” would

have to live in a perpetual state of fear that “poor”

Rudolph would go-off on a shooting spree just for denying

him equal access to their stupid little reindeer games.

(Like Monopoly!)

I believe that keeping a dying tree lit in one’s home is

just a fire hazard waiting to happen. I also believe that

annually lying to children about a red suited fat guy with

an over-developed breaking & entering compulsion probably

isn’t the best way to engender a lifetime of trust between

the generations. I believe that most letters to Santa

actually never make it to the North Pole… no matter how

many stamps you put on them.

I believe that the hanging of outdoor Christmas lights is

just an unconstitutional way for anti-Semites to figure out

where all us Jews live! I also believe that it’s absolutely

fine to stick a manger scene in a public square so long as

you’re also willing to turn a blind eye when I burn an

adjacent pentagram in the grass and dance naked inside of it

like Abigail did in “The Crucible.” I also deeply believe

that Frankincense and Myrrh are totally inappropriate gifts

to bring to a baby shower and that if only the Bethlehem Inn

didn’t discriminate against Jews that we probably could have

skipped the whole holiday manger theme to begin with.

I believe that Heaven is plenty big enough for all the

peoples of the world- not just those who purchased the third

edition of the King James Bible. In fact, I believe that if

God truly knew that so many of Her people would be killed in

Her name for the sake of religion that She also should have

been wise enough to have created everyone exactly in Her own

image- exactly the same size, shape, color and intelligence

and thus nipped all prejudices right in the bud!