This I believe “…to follow that star- no matter how
hopeless; no matter how far…” By Rae Leventhal, Melrose Park, PA.
(From the Impossible Dream, Man of La Mancha!)
I believe that Lenin was correct when he stated
that, “religion is the opiate of the masses.” I believe that
while there is a God, that we have completely forgotten the
true meaning of life and the proper way of celebrating the
Human Experience. I believe that while Christmas music is
absolutely lovely, it should be a felony to play any of it
before Thanksgiving. I believe that songs about dreidles
demean the Jewish people as a whole and should be banned. I
believe that the reason Hannukkah has been elevated to the
status of a major Jewish holiday is solely to keep small
Jewish children from mass defection to Christianity as a New
While we’re on the topic, I also believe that most retail
stores raise their prices up to 300% every November in order
to sell their crap at the supposed “50% off” sale price.
They do this to give the illusion of a good bargain to my
non-Jewish friends. In fact, I’m beginning to believe that
God invented my non-Jewish friends just so somebody would be
foolish enough to buy retail.
I believe that there is no such thing as Santa and that if
Rudolph were alive today, “all of the other reindeers” would
have to live in a perpetual state of fear that “poor”
Rudolph would go-off on a shooting spree just for denying
him equal access to their stupid little reindeer games.
I believe that keeping a dying tree lit in one’s home is
just a fire hazard waiting to happen. I also believe that
annually lying to children about a red suited fat guy with
an over-developed breaking & entering compulsion probably
isn’t the best way to engender a lifetime of trust between
the generations. I believe that most letters to Santa
actually never make it to the North Pole… no matter how
many stamps you put on them.
I believe that the hanging of outdoor Christmas lights is
just an unconstitutional way for anti-Semites to figure out
where all us Jews live! I also believe that it’s absolutely
fine to stick a manger scene in a public square so long as
you’re also willing to turn a blind eye when I burn an
adjacent pentagram in the grass and dance naked inside of it
like Abigail did in “The Crucible.” I also deeply believe
that Frankincense and Myrrh are totally inappropriate gifts
to bring to a baby shower and that if only the Bethlehem Inn
didn’t discriminate against Jews that we probably could have
skipped the whole holiday manger theme to begin with.
I believe that Heaven is plenty big enough for all the
peoples of the world- not just those who purchased the third
edition of the King James Bible. In fact, I believe that if
God truly knew that so many of Her people would be killed in
Her name for the sake of religion that She also should have
been wise enough to have created everyone exactly in Her own
image- exactly the same size, shape, color and intelligence
and thus nipped all prejudices right in the bud!
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