This I Believe

kate - ballwin, Missouri
Entered on January 23, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

16,869. This is not just some number. This number could end up defining you if you let it. Living in a world where you feel like you don’t belong is difficult. Thinking of letting this number define you could be your greatest mistake, thinking to yourself that no one cares so it wouldnt be a big deal. I’ve read and heard many quotes in my short lifetine, but there is one I now live by: “to the world you’re just one person but to one person you mean the world.” This is why I believe you should live for those who care.

I have had the feeling of emptiness for some time. All my emotions were building to their breaking point. I felt like I had no one to turn to. Everywhere I went I felt like I was the plague, causing much pain to others. I was slowly spiraling into a place I felt I couldnt escape.

I have one day that will be instilled in my brain forvever. This date doesn’t mean much to others but it will have a special place in my heart. This date isn’t a birthday or anniversary of some sort but the day I almost became a part of that number. This special date is october 20th, the day I tried to take my own life, the day I will be defined by forever. I can only remember the thoughts that were running through my brain as I sat in the darkness contemplating if I should get it over with, asking myself, “Does anyone care and will it be worth it?” For the most part cutting was enough, but not this time the pain was too great. I was going to become this number.

It started with just one white little pill, but then 19 more followed after that. After that I blacked out. I do remember one thing that I will never forget: my mother’s pain. She entered the room while I was having a tube stuck down my throat and realized that her little girl, once so innocent, was now hooked up to every machine possible to just keep her alive. I can hear her cries as she is staring at her little girl. When she is asked to leave I can hear her say I love you. Our relationship has changed forever. My family has had to overcome a great experience that was a hard challenge but yet made us a closer family. There is one thing that I never wanted to do was hurt my family but something my mom said while in the therapist office made me realize the reality is she will never forget this. “Everyday I wake up the one thing that runs in my brain is that kate could possibly commit suicide.” This whole nightmare has made me realize that I have a strong relationship with my mom and family.

There are 6,602,224,175 people in the world. You will meet many and come close to a few , but when it comes down to it while you’re holding your life in your hands disguised as little white pills all you need is one person to change your life. Just one to make things better. So when you’re thinking of letting this number define you just remember your not living for youself because you never know when you’re that one person to someone, or when you might mean the world to that one person. So this is why I believe that you dont live for yourself but for those who care.