Living in the moment

Lupita - Chicago/IL/60647, Illinois
Entered on January 22, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: carpe diem, death

There is so much more to life than the tribulations it holds. I believe in living everyday as if it were your last. I am reminded day by day of the importance of life every time I think about how much life sucks, fearing of how much homework I haven’t done, or how depressed I am. I have grown into believing this once I experienced the death of a loved one.

It all started when I woke up to the voice of my mother sobbing on a Saturday morning. I went to see what was going on and I found out that my upstairs neighbor, Susie had just passed away. I fell unconscious and waking up again trying to believe that it was all a dream. It is not possible for someone to be able to breathe one minute and not the next. Just to think that I will never be able to smell her flowery perfume in the front hallway of my doorway shatters me. I’ve been knowing Susie for ten years since I was four. Every time I saw her coming in through the doorway I would find ways to disappear from her because I knew that she would be ready to tell me an hour long story of “Look at how big you’ve grown! You look just like your mother.” And tomorrow I would look like my sister and the day after that I would look like my father and so on. Now that she’s gone I wish I could’ve told her that I loved her. I wish I could’ve told her that secretly I loved what she use to tell me. I wish I would’ve spent more time with her.

After the incident I started seeing a pattern within myself, the same way I use to run away from Susie I would run away from my mother. I would leave her talking when she would tell me to do things better. I get mad and walk away every time she corrects me. I never want to accompany her when she wants to go to the stores. Now its time for me to go to college and I might be going away. I often think about how it’s going to be without my mother yelling at me and I know that I am going to miss it. Sometime I feel like I don’t have time to tell her how much I appreciate her because I am too busy filling out college applications, reading four books a month, trying to keep up with my homework. God, there are times where I don’t even sleep for two days and other times where I feel like I don’t even have time to think because I am already wasting school work time. I spend my days hurrying, trying to finish my school work so that the next day I don’t have to get “the look” from my teachers. Then I get angry because if they knew what my life was like they would understand but sometimes I come to think of them as soldiers who have no mercy.

I once read in a book called Jonathan Seagull, “Boredom, fear and anger are the reasons why life is cut short, and with these gone from our thoughts we’ll have a long life indeed.” This is when I realized that I don’t want to say I could’ve or I would’ve because later might be too late or even worse, I’ll forget about other priorities like spending quality time with my family. I believe in living life as if it were the last day I would ever breathe again because no one knows for sure what tomorrow holds.