I believe that strength comes from what difficulties you endure in life, I believe that the most difficult tasks are given to the people who can bare them and come trough them victoriously, not meaning it all went well, but that the experience of that made them better human beings.
Things are difficult right now. I live in Tijuana, and insecurity has taken over my whole life, my family and my actions. I used to go out; I used to drive whenever, wherever, now, I’m afraid all the time.
There was a time when my only worries were to have my homework done, and know of the next best party or concert. Now I worry if I’m ever going to find peace again? Am I ever going to be free as I once was? Is my soul going to regenerate as soon as this nightmare is over?
Now I have to change, I have to move away and leave the life I have been living for the past 9 years. Leave my family, my friends, my work, and ballet school. It all makes no sense. I have to stop living my life because other people made it not livable any more.
I’m sad, I’m angry and I’m disappointed that my government has no ability at all to stop this rage. Tijuana is nobody’s ground. Anybody can come and with no word or announcement and take whatever it comes to them. Come to think of it, I too did that here. I came, took everything I could, did everything I wanted and now I leave.
I live for the emotional stability of the moment. The pressure is overwhelming; If one moment I’m ok, I know I’m lucky and I try to extend that ok-ness as long as possible. But when I’m not ok, and I realize that everything is wrong, then I panic, then I think, then I believe…. In me, in my ability to overcome adversity, and in my knowledge that I have to go and that everything will be ok.
I know I don’t live in Irak or Darfur, where violence is everywhere, where death and terror are eminent and where the feeling of being secure is only known to a few. But for me, this is my reality, this is my death, this is my terror. I live it every day.
I believe that I will be ok, I believe that it will all come to an end and that may be our system one day will be honorable enough for me to come back, or at least for other people to stay, and keep living the life they choose for them, not the one someone else guided away.
I believe in love, in peace, and in reconciliation. I believe one day I will reconcile with my now life and be happy with my then one. I’m looking forward to this next chapter, I just want this one to end as soon as possible.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.