That Just the Way it is

Lawrence - Bowling Green, Ohio
Entered on January 18, 2008

When asked to write about a core belief, a central value that I personally live my life by I found it very difficult to get started. So, I started to ask myself questions, questions about my life and if I would die today could I honestly die happy? That’s when it hit me. Dying. Dying is such an easy concept to grasp, one day I’ll die and with each day I live, that’s one step closer to the end. However, thinking about how death has affected my life, I can honestly say that there hasn’t been a bigger influence in my life other than death.

I can still run the whole week through my mind, the whole week, from sitting in my first period class and seeing the ambulances pulling into our school, to that last good bye. February 1st 2006, my most hated day and at the same time the day that shaped my life. Our whole school was informed that there had been problem and we would be going under normal lock down procedures. No one cared and everyone joked about what could be happening, drug raid, someone falling down the stairs, something, even I had a couple of my own. When they let us out of our first period class, one by one, our group of friends were called down to the office to only be greeted by police officers and their questions but only to be told my best friend committed suicide… and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to take the news. Should I be mad at him for what happened, but I didn’t feel mad, I was confused. When first told the news I couldn’t believe it, no way this could be real, “I have to be dreaming, I have to be dreaming,” I kept telling myself over and over. For weeks, all I could ask myself was how. How could this happen in our tight knit of friends? We always accepted each other and tried to understand what made each of us unique. When we fought, we fought like brothers and now I have to say good bye forever? Even two years later I can see it all. I close my eyes and the images of school, the hospital, and funeral all run through my mind in one big blur. During this time of my life, life was confusing, what am I possibly doing that’s so great that I’m still living?

Even till this day I still find even the subject of suicide difficult to talk about. Two years later everything has started to come into a clear perspective for me. I can’t live my life in the past and blame yourself for something you had no control over, that’s what death has taught me. Death has taught me to be strong; not only for yourself but for the ones you love. Death has taught me to enjoy life; the one opportunity god gave me on this earth and to not sell myself short. I believe that with death lights are opened. A light every person has who didn’t know that they could shed a tear in a time of tragedy. With death, our “tight knit” of friends have truly become a family. With the death of a loved one, I have learned to love.