This I Believe

Sean - Orlando, Florida
Entered on January 14, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30

Cycles. Everyone has their own interpretation of the concept of cycles, whether they are found in nature, strategy, or human nature. For me, I would have to categorize my conception of cycles to be very relevant to the third category – human nature. Moreover, cycles exist on a daily basis to me, and are very prevalent to the way I live my life.

I have never been the most outspoken person in the group of people I may ever assosciate myself with, and most would call that very common of a man of my demeanor. I am the type of person that is expected to chime in with the occasional correction to someone’s statements, or maybe even a quick shot at someone when they say something that leaves them open for a witty rebuttal. However, when the crowds disperse, I am still left in my own state of being the soft-spoken person, chiming up only when I feel that I should or I need to. I keep mostly to myself, mostly out of fear of being rebutted against by someone such as myself with the intellect to see into the things I say and pull a flaw out of them. Therefore, I have fallen into the pattern of not speaking up, or feeling embarrassed to put myself out into the open on a general basis.

This is the beginning of the cycle. The next stage is remorse. Remorse in the fact that I want so badly to be the outspoken man, the person that just reaches out and grabs the attention of all around him. The center of attention. That is the man I want so badly to be, with no fear of speaking my mind or letting people know just what I am feeling, or if I am interested in something, regardless of whether or not it is accepted by the rest of the group I am in. This sends me into a depression, wherein I find myself retreating from those around me, and becoming sullen and disappointed in myself and the choices I am making in my life. The withdrawal from those around me leads me to be even more scared of speaking up, trying new things, talking to new people… the cycle continues.

I have become able to put myself out there in the open moreso as of late, but on most occasions, it is a clever ruse. The part that makes me curious is the concept that I am so able to put myself out in the open on this ruse… maybe there is something that lay dormant inside of me, but I have welled so much fear up until this point that I am not able to spot my own potential anymore…

…which makes me wonder yet again why I am the way I am, and I retract.