I always thought that forgiveness was just a simple process that includes two people one how makes a mistake and another who gives the absolution. But how complicated this becomes when the judge is the sinner at the same time. I never put myself into a situation that I could not control; I always had to be the person in charge, making sure that everything was correct. I didn’t admit a mistake at school, at work even in my life everything had to be perfect. Until I learned that there are things I can not change no matter how hard I try. That was the hardest lesson that life could give me. Forgiveness was not just a difficult process for me; it was also a painful way of starting over during which I experienced resignation and determination to set up a line between times of pain from times of healing. Understanding forgiveness took me hundreds of hours of sleepless nights, thousands of questions without answers, millions of contradicting feelings and uncountable tears. The feeling of being betrayed by the person who promised to spend the rest of his life with me and be my shelter made me feel dead when I was still alive. I built an indestructible wall around to protect me from the rest of the world. Everyone around me looked strange and dangerous. Nothing was the same. Inside of me; I was destroyed, pieces of my heart were spread all over my house. Spending hours sitting in my bathtub at home with the water running mixing with my tears trying to find the right answers to my questions drove me to blame myself. I tried to look strong in front others: my family, friends even in front of God although, He knew that inside of me nothing was left, just this feeling of emptiness. I couldn’t keep all this painful feelings inside of me any longer. I wanted to scream and tell everybody that I wasn’t that strong person that everyone thought, that I was disappearing and I was dying slowly and painfully. Finally, my body and my mind became tired of being in pain all the time, I understood that if I wanted to go over and restart a new blank page I needed to give myself a second chance and the better way to begin was to recognize that all that happened was out of my hands, that I could not take over people’s lives and make decisions for them, I needed to forgive myself. I couldn’t build my new life based on feelings like hate and anger. That’s when the forgiveness process started. I stopped carrying the terrible weight of anger and guilt inside of me. I established that my time of healing started. I forgave myself for letting myself fall so deep in pain I wanted to promise myself that this was the last time of pain I experience, but I know that I still have a long way to walk and many new experience are waiting me. They are probably good or bad, but in the role of be a human being for unknown reasons the pain is unavoidable. Now I understand now that forgiveness means liberty and reconstruction. I can have the opportunity to take a second, a third, a fourth and all the chances in life because all the suffering that embraced my heart and made my tears roll over my face made my spirit become stronger and brace, all of these because I believe in forgiving myself.
MARTA ADRIANA - SOUTH BEND, Indiana
Entered on December 8, 2007
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