Sometimes I feel as if I am looking at the world behind a magnifying glass. Everything is so huge and overwhelming. When I get tired of seeing things from that perspective, I just remove the glass and hope that what I see will return to normal. Life is not always like that however. I only wished that for me and for anyone who couldn’t grasp life to the fullest. Normal to me would be having my father in my life for a very long time, and not having to feel the pain from his death. If anyone were to ask me what I remembered about my dad, I would answer with a sigh. There is so much that I remembered about him, but so little to tell.
He was who he was whether it was good or bad. I believe that a part of him is in me and I am his reflection. I do not think that he believed in himself enough to pass this trait on. It has taken me a very long time to realize who I am as a person. I still have some ways to go. I do not want to be like my father, I want to be what he should have been. This is what I believe. I believe that I can change the cycle that may have started with his father. My grandfather died when my father was young and I do not recall my dad talking about him either. I loved him, but I did not understand him. It was not until the last year of his life that he actually understood who he was. I do not want to be looking through this magnifying glass and see what I see.
I see a distortion of my life rather than what it should be. I am not my father by no means at all. This is what I believe. I am the reflection of myself looking at a mirror, not a magnifying glass. I am my own person. I am someone who is capable of having a relationship with trust and loving anyone unconditionally. I can wake up in the morning liking myself and go to sleep at night believing more. If my father knew what I know now, he would not have had to be sorry. Sorry for what I would ask? Sorry for not being there when I needed him the most. Sorry, for not letting me see how a man is suppose to be on the inside rather than outside. I am not my father. I have control over my emotions without beating myself up. I want to be what I believe my father would be if he were alive today. I would be able to talk to him and tell him about all of my feelings I have held inside. He would just put his hand on my shoulder and tell me that he loves me, he understands me, and he believes in me.
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