This I Believe

Jillian - San Diego, California
Entered on November 28, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: change

I believe in the chance to change. To me not everyone has the ability to change mostly because they choose not to nor do they want to. When you think of change its not the simple change of the seasons or getting a new job, it is the deeper meaning of changing yourself as an individual. The chance is yours to do and express what you want.

I have grown up with a mother who has felt that life is not worth living. At the age of 14 she had her first surgery because of scoliosis. Now at the age of 49, and four surgeries later she continues to struggle with chronic back pain and depression. I have dealt with this constant battle for my mother to be healed and healthy everyday. It might sound somewhat selfish for me to say all my mother wanted was attention, but never has she once tried to make her life meaningful or worthwhile even when she had a family who stood behind her. It was not until she tried to commit suicide I realized how unselfish I was being and how selfish she was.

For years I would sit in my room suffering from depression, not living the normal life as a teenager. Having the worst attitude, treating everyone around me with no respect, and day after day taking anti depressants, wanting everyone in my life to feel sorry for me because I was the one that was angry. That is the life my mother and I knew so well. Like a mirror, I was a splitting image of her. No one ever said it would be easy, but there always was a chance to change to make the best out of life you were given. There is no excuse to change into a better person; it’s your own choice. My struggles are no longer hidden behind my tears or anger. The little faith I had in the ability to grow into something I did not want to become changed the day I realized who I would if I didn’t.

To finally to be comfortable in my own skin with the transformation of someone who was basically a stranger to me was exactly what I needed out of life. No longer did I think medication would solve all my problems, but the desire I had to create an optimistic outlook on life did.

I believe in the chance to change. I have made the commitment to myself to become a better person because of the mistakes I have made. For this, I will strive to finally help the one person in this world who means the most to me, my mother. She has given up on a better life, her belief being she will never be healed, but my belief is change and never will I let a day go by letting my mother think her life isn’t worth it. Because of her I have changed, and the only thing left for me to do is show her there is a way for her too. That, I believe.